I'm not one to back down from having an opinion about just anything - you may disagree with me but we are all somewhat protected by the First Amendment (you know - that little drivel about free speech in the Constitution that that most Republicans/conservatives ignore when it's against their own agendas (unless in the name of free publicity, i.e., Sarah Palin)
I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not an expert on most things. I don't have a college degree and I have the attention span of a gnat. I can find my way around a cell phone fairly well and I know just enough about computers to be dangerous. I can cook well enough to feed children and hungry men w/o too high of a risk of food borne illness or mutiny. I can run in heels and can fake it on most everyday life functions.
But there is one thing I do know what I'm talking about - both as a survivor and as a worker in the trenches - Domestic Violence (I'll call it DV for the purposes of this rant as I'm basically lazy). As with about everything else, my opinion about DV will offend some sensibilities and certainly be politically incorrect....... But it certainly can't be doing any worse than what we have out there now - which are legal "protections" that don't protect anyone - and a society that pays a whole lot of lip service to "empowerment" and "independence" and such - but still raises its women to believe that snagging a man (or a woman or whatever floats your boat) is the ultimate end all and be all....... so maybe you gotta put up with a little "nonsense" for "love".....(excuse me while I vomit here...)
We can go off on a whole other direction here - and we'll go there in another rant. Do you think all the Madison Avenue "sex sells" onslaught is just a little ploy for sales?? BULLSHIT! As in all other members of the animal kingdom, we are programmed to attract a mate. However, unlike most of the rest of the animal kingdom, we stay with mates that verbally, psychologically and physically abuse us. Something went terribly wrong - but that's another subject for another day.
OK kids - before we go any further. I am NOT talking about when you or they threw a coffee cup or a blow in anger. We're all guilty. We're human. We strike before thinking (there are governments and entertainment empires banking on just this aspect of human behavior). When I talk about DV I'm talking about the relentless and systematic destruction of someone in a relationship by the words and actions of the other. Domestic Violence is what we call it - but it really isn't just violence. Violence is just one of the tools an abuser uses. It's easy and quick. But DV is just basically establishing a destructive power over another human to make up for one's own insecurities and deficiencies. Basic rule of thumb is that being hit once is a mistake. Twice is stupid. Three times and it's time to pack your bags.....
Let's attack the top fallacy of current policies/theories/etc. that sociologists, psychologists, etc. etc. maintain about DV - which is that using violence against your "perpetrator" ("perpetrator" is the "politically correct" term -but I'll use "abuser" in this rant as a "catch all" abbreviation for "the knuckle-dragging asinine sub-human asshole that claims to love you but still beats the shit out of you") - is never the "correct" thing to do. You send him ("him" means him, her or it) to anger management classes. You get him therapy. You/him go to counseling. Leave him and file the necessary legal papers for the police and the courts to protect you/yours.
But while you are trying to decide what to do, you can "hide" at a shelter. While you are there they will sit there with their hands tied telling you "it's your decision" on whether to go back to your Neanderthal club reject. Almost every single one of those recently-degreed DV counselors will swear up and down that they cannot interfere ......... that's what their textbooks and professors all taught them. Their hearts may be in the right place but there's no room here for such notions......I listened to these people. I worked with these people. But we're not talking about a wee bit of neurosis here, we're talking about life and death. Maybe even your own......
To all of this psycho-babble, I say BULLSHIT! In fact I'll say it again - BULLSHIT!!!! When you are the on the receiving end of months and years of abuse, you are in no shape to make your own decisions! How can someone with a shattered self-esteem and most likely no family/friends or economic independence ever hope to get out of this personal hell? You need someone to drag you out to the light - not hours of psychological dribble. Dribble didn't help me a bit - but my best friend in the world did. She screamed at me and shook me more times than I can ever remember - but she saved my life. She was tough and she wasn't above using shock value - or re-introducing me to the power of cosmetics and high heels (amazing what some mascara and 4" heels can do for giving a girl the strength to kick some piece of human debris to the curb.....which again proves my theory that retail therapy works far better than "regular" therapy - but that's yet another rant). Don't scream "sexist" either. I grew up with women's movement and did my time believing that no makeup and letting my tits sag made me a better person. Again - BULLSHIT!
But enough of that. The point is that I watched myself and countless others make the trips to the shelter, courts and counseling - and we are still living in fear (or suffer from permanent physical/psychological scars). These aren't isolated cases in some other lifetime kids - these are your neighbors, co-workers, family members, friends.........
Despite all the "progress" we've made over the past 20-30 years in getting DV "out of the closet" there is still the stigma. Apparently we still have a very long ways to go in preventing it too. Working in a salon (female gossip central) I have heard many teenage/20-something year old women talk about their "men" (men is a loose term here - as I see most abusers as less than human) telling them what "to do" or displaying "jealousy" over the most mundane circumstances - and I just fucking cringe and shudder. It won't be long before those verbal assaults develop into something way, way worse. But what would a tattooed, middle-aged social malcontent with multi-color hair know? No one could've told me anything at that age either.....
But geez - you can get a divorce, right? You can get protective orders - he takes one step inside that imaginary 100 yard barrier and the police will be on him like flies on shit - and he'll rot away the rest of his days in prison, right? Tell you what -- why don't we throw in the tooth fairy, free $1000 Walmart gift cards on the net, Santa Claus and that the government is always to be trusted while we are debunking a few myths here girls.....
Now I'm all on the side of law enforcement doing what they can with DV situations (esp. since a DV situation is one of the most dangerous calls they respond to). But show me one restraining order that can stop someone from hurting you faster than any law enforcement can get to you. Go ahead - I've got time. My foot is in a walking cast and I'm just playing on the computer here........
Do you think he'll magically see the "error" of his violent tendencies after cooling his heels in a few days/weeks/months in jail? Not likely - and chances are your life is gonna be in far worse peril once he gets out. He's had a lot of time to think about how to get "even" with you (even if it was the courts and not you pressing the charges) once he gets out. They aren't brightest light bulb in the pack but they are experts on exactly which buttons of yours to push (and whether you can take a straight kick to the gut or not.....) They can also do the magic "personality transformation" long enough to get them out of trouble.
Do not underestimate the enemy. That's right - anyone that abuses you is your enemy. They are NOT YOUR FRIEND ! They can proclaim their love and apologize until the end of days - but notice they will eventually preface it with "but you made me do it......" If I had a dollar for every time I heard that sorry ass excuse , I'd be sitting in some penthouse in Las Vegas asking Chris Noth to rub my feet (high heels can hurt y'know)...... hmmmm, and trying to decide whether to wear that little Versace or Gucci number tonight.....and they better have my Blackjack table in the high roller section reserved for me and my friends! Oh yeah, a little more to the right sweetie.....damn it, what is THIS swill? I ordered Dom Perignon Oenotheque champagne!.....(oh wait, I can't share THAT fantasy.....)
I've head time and time again (and have experienced time and time again) that the beating just gets worse if "I fight back". Unfortunately that fact is true..... and most abusers are bigger and stronger than who they abuse. It's no fun trying to knock the teeth out of someone who has 50 lbs and 6 inches on you. So are you supposed to just give up and take it? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
The few times I managed to get a good lick in, he backed off (and I made a run for it while he was dazed.....). In that millisecond, there is a subconscious stab of respect from your abuser. They don't understand love, respect, the law or even basic good behavior (most can't even keep a job) but they understand violence. There's no civilities in a fist fight. Welcome to jungle baby - this is kill or be killed time.
So what is the point of all this babble? I can't fix what gets otherwise intelligent women/men into these traps. I can't fix the justice system. I can't fix the damage done to me or millions of others....
But if there is such a thing about paying it forward, I'm going to give it a shot. I can fix one thing - share what I've learned personally to someone, anyone, about saving their own ass. It's all very simple - give it back to them as good as they give. Juvenile? Animalistic? Immature? Uncivilized? Unchristian? Try advocating restraint and counseling with a loaded gun pointing in your direction. How about when laid out in the ER with several broken bones and pissing blood? How about spending several years with one eye on the rear view mirror at all times - or jumping whenever you heard a noise at 2 am? How about living with permanent injuries that could shorten your life w/o ongoing care from long-ago beatings from some dim-wit monster? Still want to try the restraining order and some court-mandated counseling?
Granted - in my particular case my ex is a few thousand miles away and probably too dumb to read a map. But I keep my phone number unlisted for a reason. I had a friend who loved me enough to shake some sense in me, loan me some lipstick and GET INVOLVED! A lot of what we learned in school doesn't quite hold up in real life - and the current "treatments" for both victims/abusers is a bright red shiny example.
I don't advocate using a gun or knife unless you know what you are doing (and have a good attorney). Guns and knives can be easily be turned back against you with fatal results (but I gotta admit - "Gunpowder and Lead" is one of my favorite songs ever). Chemical weapons (mace, pepper spray, etc) - aside being not fun if the wind is against you - aren't always effective if the attacker is drunk, high or just immune (and I'm one of the genetically blessed that are immune to mace).......but there is a handy little device that'll put the biggest man on his knees begging for mercy (if he can speak at all) - TASER!
Hell yes! Taze his sorry ass! Very little chance of fatality on either end (and before someone pulls out the few cases that a taser resulted in death, you can choke on jello too if you tried hard enough). If used correctly, a taser can take the wind out of any abuser long enough for the pros to get there - or you to get the hell out of harm's way. He might even think twice before pulling that stunt again. Remember - this is not a person into social niceties when it comes to beating your ass.......why allow them the same courtesy?
OK, I can hear the cries of outrage.........how DARE YOU ADVOCATE VIOLENCE!?!? Of all people, I should know better, right? (and as legal aside - don't try this at home kids).....But as Kris Kristofferson wrote "(s)he's a walking contradiction, partly fact and partly fiction....." My politics are ultra-liberal and yet I believe the best gun control is a steady hand on the trigger. I gave up idealism a long, long time ago. My eyes may roll on the concept of war between nations (why is killing for a hypothetical body/idea "noble" but not knocking out someone who is personally injuring you and your immediate circle)? Maybe it's time the professors, psychologists, counselors and the court systems realize that the best help a person caught in an endless cycle of DV is to give them some tough love, a serious make-over and a taser along with those protective orders.....
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