she started out with so much promise but then just crashed and burned........basically the story of my life and this blog. the fire burns bright but it burns out fast. but as always i know my true purpose on this planet - to serve as a warning to others. hell, i'm the damn poster child for unrealized potential and self-destructive behavior....
old demons, new demons. things that keep you up at night. thoughts that race through a sleep-addled brain at 2 am that never seem to come to fruitition when facing the computer at 8 pm. just another lost traveler screaming out in cyberspace. despite almost religious devotion to taking my antidepressants, there are times and circumstances that cracks the wall between emotions and self. no matter the medication or the distraction. there are times i just can't be the consumate smart-ass. my self-defacing humor and wry observations of this planet sometimes don't quite do the job.
i've kept quite a few doctors, therapists, pharmaceutical companies, etc. in business over the years. the only thing i've gotten out of all of it is an enormous distrust for anyone that is paid to listen to listen to me. i came to the conclusion that retail therapy is about as good as anything else and considering the "paid listeners" get $100+ an hour, it can be a hell of a lot cheaper - and more rewarding. i never had the warm fuzzy glow leaving the therapist's office that i get from italian leather....
over the years i've accepted the fact that i'm wired a little differently. brain chemistry? maybe. childhood issues with abandonment? possibly. is comic relief my armor? most definitely. i used to believe that at some point in one's future the road smooths out. is that laughter i'm hearing? ok, ok, so i was a slow learner. if you can keep up with yourself as well as hamster running the wheel you are doing better than most..... but in my case i think the wheel siezed up and the hamster escaped a long time ago......
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