I Want My Own Religion and Talk Show.....and Vicodin

It's August 31 - and if I don't post something today the month of August will be a "lost" month. Makes sense as the writer has basically been fighting almost a never-ending headache, bouts of depression and stress - both real and imagined.

My mood is not too much better after running hot water all around my head/neck in a vain attempt for relief. Out of vidocin and frankly motrin, aleve and tylenol are about as effective as pissing on a forest fire. Frustrating and not very effective. But the nice man with the "MD" after his name that prescribes them thinks I can do with a lesser amount than usual. Me thinks we're gonna have to have a discussion about this - but that's for another day...besides it's difficult to debate with someone that is almost as much of a smart-ass as I am (Almost.....)

I forced myself to listen to Glenn Beck today - 15 minutes was about all I could take of his rants and paranoia. Then I read Sarah Palin's wall. Face it kids - if you looked long and hard enough (and have a vivid imagination) you can find a conspiracy behind every door. If I looked at one of my cats long enough, I can be certain they're thinking of a way to get rid of the human that doesn't open the doors at every their every demand as soon as they figure out a way to open tuna cans, secure unlimited amounts of cat food and self-cleaning litter boxes...and open the front door by themselves of course...

But it made me think - if you keep the public entertained by shock value, you can makes lots of money and have people think you are god - or at least one of his favorite messengers. Read Palin's Facebook wall - most of her lemming followers insinuate she is sent to them by god....or that god is at least on her side. Of course this leads me to wonder how one makes the judgement that "god" is on one side or the other.....does he throw you a rock with a note tied on it?

As I've had many years of indoctrination into the Catholic religion (although none of it took much to my family's chagrin) I can spout off biblical psycho-babble and scripture with the best of them. Be a shame to waste all that knowledge. Besides if you throw enough gold glitter, solemn mysterious chants and incense on anything, you can capture the hearts (and wallets) of many..... Catholics been doing it for almost 2000 years. Not a bad track record -- although I would be a bit squeamish if I had to go "Inquisition" on someone....I would only enjoy torture if it were applied to my ex-husband - a nice stretch on the rack could do that boy a world of good. I give you my word that there'll be no fooling around with the altar boys either (a man isn't any good until they are over 30....).

Me thinks this can be a good gig - hell, I'm infamous within my own circle of friends, acquaintances and enemies alternatively either making them laugh or pissing them off. I bet I can be great at 30 second sound bites. Hell, if I can convert you to thinking that you absolutely NEED A TASER - then how far behind is the salvation of your soul? Not to mention the peace you will find in abject poverty in this life....(yes, the abject poverty bit - after you gladly give your worldly possessions to the Church of the Demented Redhead)

Oh my deluded ones - only I can show you the way! I'll say anything you want me to say to make you love yourself and make you feel your ideas actually matter. Stroke the ego enough and even the most hardened soul will succumb to my mindless rants and rascally charm! I can take scripture out of context and twist it to my own vendetta as well as any hard-boiled greasy southern tele-evangelist....(and I will NEVER wear a cheap polyester suit as that offends the same god that gave us Gucci and Chanel).

Sigh - I could go on for hours now formulating my new religion. Need a media onslaught on TV as to reach the bored and sleepless masses at 2:00 a.m. - I'd be much more entertaining than a typical infommercial - even the one that promises to send you FREE HOLY HEALING WATER! Yes, kids -- there is really such rot out there on the airwaves. Wonder if those shysters would suffer a decline in donations if the United States implemented accessible and affordable health care for all its citizens (but that again is another rant for another day).

OK - can I finish and get off this thing now? I made a half-assed attempt to write and I wasted both my time and the time of the reader. Or have I? Can I use the same logic Palin used - y'know drone on about bears protecting cubs and dead fish going with the flow as I quit? Or is my quitting not really quitting but a brilliant personal political and career move? Stay tuned to find out......