That title alone should cause any head of any proud card-carrying female to whip around faster than Linda Blair's in the "Exorcist." True to type, I also have no qualms to go for the easy, cheap shot to build up any kind of readership. I'd announce I had nude pictures of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Bruce Springsteen if I had more finesse with Photoshop.....
As far as the chocolate? The few who aren't hooked on shoes are hooked on chocolate. Easy as that. Shoes and chocolate are as yet an undiscovered component of estrogen. If some genius came up with chocolate shoes, they'd have a bank account that would make Bill Gate's look like he made his living as a Walmart greeter ...."Welcome to Walmart - I came up w/Vista." (I would advise Bill to wear a bullet proof vest and a mouth guard....)
But back to shoes. Thin, fat or curvy. Blond, brunette, redhead or multi-colored. Old, young or of a "certain age." Democrat, Republican or just mildly amused. Any and all beliefs, races and creeds. Put two disparate women together - who would normally be clawing each other eyes out - and give them each a pair of new, beautiful Italian couture shoes. Keep the door closed and give it about 5-10 minutes. Open the door slowly - and witness the first step to world peace and harmony. All hatred and body image issues have evaporated. All you hear are "oooohs and coos" as they admire their own and each other's footwear nirvana. The euphoria of soft, supple Italian leather is as powerful a pleasure potion as the strongest opiates - w/o the legal hassles.
But why? Although shoe sizes are not much more standardized than clothing sizes, most women past 30 can rest assured that those $800 pair of shoes will fit them nicely in their 50's and beyond - despite time, gravity, weight changes, etc. A $2000 pair of Loubutins or Jimmy Choo boots are not just adornment - they are a rock solid investment in your future! Face it girls - the odds are that those Manolos will last longer than your relationships, careers and hair colors. With a little care and occasional visits to the shoe doctor, they will faithfully cradle your feet and make you look good through all trials or tribulations. Those shoes are gonna be there for you on the darkest nights when you question your faith and reasons for your existence......
Yes - in your darkest hour you can dream of the sound of 5" stiletto heels coldly clicking down endless icy marble halls.....tall spires of sexual power stirring both lust and fear in the hearts of others. Twirl around on those marvels of engineering - and catch sight of the flaccid, white bellies of Glenn Beck, Rush, Cheney, Oral Roberts......and so many other angry little trolls. Prostrate on the marble - trembling in fear and anticipation - unable to meet your eyes, knowing the fate of bad little boys with big mouths and tiny brains.
Jimmy Choo, YSL, Chanel, Manolo, Louboutin, Cavalli, Dolce and Gabbana, Gianmarco Lorenezi - boot towers of power....endless black buttery leather punctuated with studs, buckles, straps and lacing. Tributes to Bettie Paige. S and M. The toe deftly lifting their shirt hems (or white sheets) of the damned. Their breathing quickens. Balancing on ice picks - as a true Mistress of Gravity -easily avoiding the abdominal skin folds that teem with lifeforms that can only survive in the dark and damp (even in a fantasy, there are limits....can't ruin the shoes!)
Despite certain knowledge of pain and humiliation (along with being the lead story on the 6 o'clock news), the mens' reptilian brains takes over - far more than they have in any public forum. As the heel jabs the mountain of flesh, ripples flow outwards from the epicenter. Oh mother of god, they start praising Obama! As the heel digs in deeper, bruising and tearing mounds of doughy nothingness, they scream out for health care reform! A few more twists of the heel and they are calling their Aryan Princess Sarah Palin the Whore of Babylon! Yet, between the whimpers and cries for an end to racism, they want more. Soon the time will come for their verbal castrations - and living out the rest of their lives as eunuchs in servitude to their new goddess of leather and liberalism!
Whew! Even I'm wiping the steam off my glasses with that one! Throw in some Godiva chocolate or Bueno Bars and it'd be practically orgasmic! Never underestimate the power of a quality, powerful, sexy shoe!
P.S. Leave a comment and I may later share my eBay secrets to stalking and capturing the designer shoe for pennies on the dollar.... (begging and bribery are not beneath me....)
Showing posts with label Glenn Beck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Glenn Beck. Show all posts
Friday, September 11, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
I Want My Own Religion and Talk Show.....and Vicodin
It's August 31 - and if I don't post something today the month of August will be a "lost" month. Makes sense as the writer has basically been fighting almost a never-ending headache, bouts of depression and stress - both real and imagined.
My mood is not too much better after running hot water all around my head/neck in a vain attempt for relief. Out of vidocin and frankly motrin, aleve and tylenol are about as effective as pissing on a forest fire. Frustrating and not very effective. But the nice man with the "MD" after his name that prescribes them thinks I can do with a lesser amount than usual. Me thinks we're gonna have to have a discussion about this - but that's for another day...besides it's difficult to debate with someone that is almost as much of a smart-ass as I am (Almost.....)
I forced myself to listen to Glenn Beck today - 15 minutes was about all I could take of his rants and paranoia. Then I read Sarah Palin's wall. Face it kids - if you looked long and hard enough (and have a vivid imagination) you can find a conspiracy behind every door. If I looked at one of my cats long enough, I can be certain they're thinking of a way to get rid of the human that doesn't open the doors at every their every demand as soon as they figure out a way to open tuna cans, secure unlimited amounts of cat food and self-cleaning litter boxes...and open the front door by themselves of course...
But it made me think - if you keep the public entertained by shock value, you can makes lots of money and have people think you are god - or at least one of his favorite messengers. Read Palin's Facebook wall - most of her lemming followers insinuate she is sent to them by god....or that god is at least on her side. Of course this leads me to wonder how one makes the judgement that "god" is on one side or the other.....does he throw you a rock with a note tied on it?
As I've had many years of indoctrination into the Catholic religion (although none of it took much to my family's chagrin) I can spout off biblical psycho-babble and scripture with the best of them. Be a shame to waste all that knowledge. Besides if you throw enough gold glitter, solemn mysterious chants and incense on anything, you can capture the hearts (and wallets) of many..... Catholics been doing it for almost 2000 years. Not a bad track record -- although I would be a bit squeamish if I had to go "Inquisition" on someone....I would only enjoy torture if it were applied to my ex-husband - a nice stretch on the rack could do that boy a world of good. I give you my word that there'll be no fooling around with the altar boys either (a man isn't any good until they are over 30....).
Me thinks this can be a good gig - hell, I'm infamous within my own circle of friends, acquaintances and enemies alternatively either making them laugh or pissing them off. I bet I can be great at 30 second sound bites. Hell, if I can convert you to thinking that you absolutely NEED A TASER - then how far behind is the salvation of your soul? Not to mention the peace you will find in abject poverty in this life....(yes, the abject poverty bit - after you gladly give your worldly possessions to the Church of the Demented Redhead)
Oh my deluded ones - only I can show you the way! I'll say anything you want me to say to make you love yourself and make you feel your ideas actually matter. Stroke the ego enough and even the most hardened soul will succumb to my mindless rants and rascally charm! I can take scripture out of context and twist it to my own vendetta as well as any hard-boiled greasy southern tele-evangelist....(and I will NEVER wear a cheap polyester suit as that offends the same god that gave us Gucci and Chanel).
Sigh - I could go on for hours now formulating my new religion. Need a media onslaught on TV as to reach the bored and sleepless masses at 2:00 a.m. - I'd be much more entertaining than a typical infommercial - even the one that promises to send you FREE HOLY HEALING WATER! Yes, kids -- there is really such rot out there on the airwaves. Wonder if those shysters would suffer a decline in donations if the United States implemented accessible and affordable health care for all its citizens (but that again is another rant for another day).
OK - can I finish and get off this thing now? I made a half-assed attempt to write and I wasted both my time and the time of the reader. Or have I? Can I use the same logic Palin used - y'know drone on about bears protecting cubs and dead fish going with the flow as I quit? Or is my quitting not really quitting but a brilliant personal political and career move? Stay tuned to find out......
My mood is not too much better after running hot water all around my head/neck in a vain attempt for relief. Out of vidocin and frankly motrin, aleve and tylenol are about as effective as pissing on a forest fire. Frustrating and not very effective. But the nice man with the "MD" after his name that prescribes them thinks I can do with a lesser amount than usual. Me thinks we're gonna have to have a discussion about this - but that's for another day...besides it's difficult to debate with someone that is almost as much of a smart-ass as I am (Almost.....)
I forced myself to listen to Glenn Beck today - 15 minutes was about all I could take of his rants and paranoia. Then I read Sarah Palin's wall. Face it kids - if you looked long and hard enough (and have a vivid imagination) you can find a conspiracy behind every door. If I looked at one of my cats long enough, I can be certain they're thinking of a way to get rid of the human that doesn't open the doors at every their every demand as soon as they figure out a way to open tuna cans, secure unlimited amounts of cat food and self-cleaning litter boxes...and open the front door by themselves of course...
But it made me think - if you keep the public entertained by shock value, you can makes lots of money and have people think you are god - or at least one of his favorite messengers. Read Palin's Facebook wall - most of her lemming followers insinuate she is sent to them by god....or that god is at least on her side. Of course this leads me to wonder how one makes the judgement that "god" is on one side or the other.....does he throw you a rock with a note tied on it?
As I've had many years of indoctrination into the Catholic religion (although none of it took much to my family's chagrin) I can spout off biblical psycho-babble and scripture with the best of them. Be a shame to waste all that knowledge. Besides if you throw enough gold glitter, solemn mysterious chants and incense on anything, you can capture the hearts (and wallets) of many..... Catholics been doing it for almost 2000 years. Not a bad track record -- although I would be a bit squeamish if I had to go "Inquisition" on someone....I would only enjoy torture if it were applied to my ex-husband - a nice stretch on the rack could do that boy a world of good. I give you my word that there'll be no fooling around with the altar boys either (a man isn't any good until they are over 30....).
Me thinks this can be a good gig - hell, I'm infamous within my own circle of friends, acquaintances and enemies alternatively either making them laugh or pissing them off. I bet I can be great at 30 second sound bites. Hell, if I can convert you to thinking that you absolutely NEED A TASER - then how far behind is the salvation of your soul? Not to mention the peace you will find in abject poverty in this life....(yes, the abject poverty bit - after you gladly give your worldly possessions to the Church of the Demented Redhead)
Oh my deluded ones - only I can show you the way! I'll say anything you want me to say to make you love yourself and make you feel your ideas actually matter. Stroke the ego enough and even the most hardened soul will succumb to my mindless rants and rascally charm! I can take scripture out of context and twist it to my own vendetta as well as any hard-boiled greasy southern tele-evangelist....(and I will NEVER wear a cheap polyester suit as that offends the same god that gave us Gucci and Chanel).
Sigh - I could go on for hours now formulating my new religion. Need a media onslaught on TV as to reach the bored and sleepless masses at 2:00 a.m. - I'd be much more entertaining than a typical infommercial - even the one that promises to send you FREE HOLY HEALING WATER! Yes, kids -- there is really such rot out there on the airwaves. Wonder if those shysters would suffer a decline in donations if the United States implemented accessible and affordable health care for all its citizens (but that again is another rant for another day).
OK - can I finish and get off this thing now? I made a half-assed attempt to write and I wasted both my time and the time of the reader. Or have I? Can I use the same logic Palin used - y'know drone on about bears protecting cubs and dead fish going with the flow as I quit? Or is my quitting not really quitting but a brilliant personal political and career move? Stay tuned to find out......
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