That title alone should cause any head of any proud card-carrying female to whip around faster than Linda Blair's in the "Exorcist." True to type, I also have no qualms to go for the easy, cheap shot to build up any kind of readership. I'd announce I had nude pictures of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Bruce Springsteen if I had more finesse with Photoshop.....
As far as the chocolate? The few who aren't hooked on shoes are hooked on chocolate. Easy as that. Shoes and chocolate are as yet an undiscovered component of estrogen. If some genius came up with chocolate shoes, they'd have a bank account that would make Bill Gate's look like he made his living as a Walmart greeter ...."Welcome to Walmart - I came up w/Vista." (I would advise Bill to wear a bullet proof vest and a mouth guard....)
But back to shoes. Thin, fat or curvy. Blond, brunette, redhead or multi-colored. Old, young or of a "certain age." Democrat, Republican or just mildly amused. Any and all beliefs, races and creeds. Put two disparate women together - who would normally be clawing each other eyes out - and give them each a pair of new, beautiful Italian couture shoes. Keep the door closed and give it about 5-10 minutes. Open the door slowly - and witness the first step to world peace and harmony. All hatred and body image issues have evaporated. All you hear are "oooohs and coos" as they admire their own and each other's footwear nirvana. The euphoria of soft, supple Italian leather is as powerful a pleasure potion as the strongest opiates - w/o the legal hassles.
But why? Although shoe sizes are not much more standardized than clothing sizes, most women past 30 can rest assured that those $800 pair of shoes will fit them nicely in their 50's and beyond - despite time, gravity, weight changes, etc. A $2000 pair of Loubutins or Jimmy Choo boots are not just adornment - they are a rock solid investment in your future! Face it girls - the odds are that those Manolos will last longer than your relationships, careers and hair colors. With a little care and occasional visits to the shoe doctor, they will faithfully cradle your feet and make you look good through all trials or tribulations. Those shoes are gonna be there for you on the darkest nights when you question your faith and reasons for your existence......
Yes - in your darkest hour you can dream of the sound of 5" stiletto heels coldly clicking down endless icy marble halls.....tall spires of sexual power stirring both lust and fear in the hearts of others. Twirl around on those marvels of engineering - and catch sight of the flaccid, white bellies of Glenn Beck, Rush, Cheney, Oral Roberts......and so many other angry little trolls. Prostrate on the marble - trembling in fear and anticipation - unable to meet your eyes, knowing the fate of bad little boys with big mouths and tiny brains.
Jimmy Choo, YSL, Chanel, Manolo, Louboutin, Cavalli, Dolce and Gabbana, Gianmarco Lorenezi - boot towers of power....endless black buttery leather punctuated with studs, buckles, straps and lacing. Tributes to Bettie Paige. S and M. The toe deftly lifting their shirt hems (or white sheets) of the damned. Their breathing quickens. Balancing on ice picks - as a true Mistress of Gravity -easily avoiding the abdominal skin folds that teem with lifeforms that can only survive in the dark and damp (even in a fantasy, there are limits....can't ruin the shoes!)
Despite certain knowledge of pain and humiliation (along with being the lead story on the 6 o'clock news), the mens' reptilian brains takes over - far more than they have in any public forum. As the heel jabs the mountain of flesh, ripples flow outwards from the epicenter. Oh mother of god, they start praising Obama! As the heel digs in deeper, bruising and tearing mounds of doughy nothingness, they scream out for health care reform! A few more twists of the heel and they are calling their Aryan Princess Sarah Palin the Whore of Babylon! Yet, between the whimpers and cries for an end to racism, they want more. Soon the time will come for their verbal castrations - and living out the rest of their lives as eunuchs in servitude to their new goddess of leather and liberalism!
Whew! Even I'm wiping the steam off my glasses with that one! Throw in some Godiva chocolate or Bueno Bars and it'd be practically orgasmic! Never underestimate the power of a quality, powerful, sexy shoe!
P.S. Leave a comment and I may later share my eBay secrets to stalking and capturing the designer shoe for pennies on the dollar.... (begging and bribery are not beneath me....)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Genie Is Out Of the Bottle.....
I've never been asked to "guest-blog" before (N.E.O. Moms - kudos and fab vacation to Charlotte!). But as usual my feelings of joy and validation quickly evaporated and I'm right back to obsessing about shoes. Surely there's nothing of importance to be said by an unemployed blogger from Alaska on sex, religion or politics. Hey wait - there's that other unemployed blogger from Alaska who came up with that little catch phrase "death panel" - and got a whole lot of mileage out of it. What was her name again? Oh yeah - Sarah, Sarah Palin. The girl who is more at home on the pages of the National Enquirer than Newsweek....smack dab in between ads for psychic hotlines and the 7-page photo spread on celebrity cellulite.
But enough on our Sarah. Although she's one of my favorite right wing nutcases to skewer and roast ever so slowly over extra-hot coals, there's another issue that has popped up in recent days. Apparently a Presidential speech on the importance of education directed to students has been twisted into a dark conservative conspiracy that's adamant that a 15-minute speech will convert our nation's youth to Obama's evil socialist creed. Surely their soft, moldable minds will be forever branded with leftest ideologies that might lead to such subversive activities as examining a multitude of different ideas and using rational thought processes. Next thing you know there'll be armies of children with implanted electronic monitoring devices turning them into mindless, goose-stepping drones of the state. One push of a button from some evil bureaucrat's desk (safely hidden away in an underground bunker in east nowhere Kansas) will cause them to murder their parents in the night. Could the cross-breeding of dogs with cats and Paris Hilton receiving a Nobel prize for physics be far behind?
Are these just the ridiculous rants of an aging tattooed rebel with hair colors not found in nature? Thankfully some people can grasp the concept of parody. But my tirade is no more ridiculous than spewings of "good Americans" over an upcoming Presidential speech to students within publicly-funded (gasp!) schools - which surely are no more than a trip to commie hell in a hand basket. Good white "patriots" wrapping themselves up in the flag and pounding their chests accusing Obama of bringing politics into the classroom, saying it's akin "to the propagandizing of Hitler's Nazi Germany." That last blurb was an actual statement from a "concerned parent" from Anchorage, Alaska. The land of Palin, Uncle Ted and the Murkowski dynasty.....
Silly hysterics of a few whose cheese slid off their crackers, right? Then why are school districts throughout the nation are buckling right and left (no pun intended) to the paranoid rhetoric of racists, birthers, teabaggers, dittoheads, conservatives, FOX News fans, Christians zealots, ad nauseum. What's next? They are infiltrating lawful assemblies using hired gun-toting goons to intimidate those "commies" wanting health care... Hmmmm - where was all this self-righteous furor over George "Wingnut" Bush speaking to school children (speaking of the blind leading the blind) - including on 9/11? Or Carter, Reagan, Clinton, etc.?
But enough on our Sarah. Although she's one of my favorite right wing nutcases to skewer and roast ever so slowly over extra-hot coals, there's another issue that has popped up in recent days. Apparently a Presidential speech on the importance of education directed to students has been twisted into a dark conservative conspiracy that's adamant that a 15-minute speech will convert our nation's youth to Obama's evil socialist creed. Surely their soft, moldable minds will be forever branded with leftest ideologies that might lead to such subversive activities as examining a multitude of different ideas and using rational thought processes. Next thing you know there'll be armies of children with implanted electronic monitoring devices turning them into mindless, goose-stepping drones of the state. One push of a button from some evil bureaucrat's desk (safely hidden away in an underground bunker in east nowhere Kansas) will cause them to murder their parents in the night. Could the cross-breeding of dogs with cats and Paris Hilton receiving a Nobel prize for physics be far behind?
Are these just the ridiculous rants of an aging tattooed rebel with hair colors not found in nature? Thankfully some people can grasp the concept of parody. But my tirade is no more ridiculous than spewings of "good Americans" over an upcoming Presidential speech to students within publicly-funded (gasp!) schools - which surely are no more than a trip to commie hell in a hand basket. Good white "patriots" wrapping themselves up in the flag and pounding their chests accusing Obama of bringing politics into the classroom, saying it's akin "to the propagandizing of Hitler's Nazi Germany." That last blurb was an actual statement from a "concerned parent" from Anchorage, Alaska. The land of Palin, Uncle Ted and the Murkowski dynasty.....
Silly hysterics of a few whose cheese slid off their crackers, right? Then why are school districts throughout the nation are buckling right and left (no pun intended) to the paranoid rhetoric of racists, birthers, teabaggers, dittoheads, conservatives, FOX News fans, Christians zealots, ad nauseum. What's next? They are infiltrating lawful assemblies using hired gun-toting goons to intimidate those "commies" wanting health care... Hmmmm - where was all this self-righteous furor over George "Wingnut" Bush speaking to school children (speaking of the blind leading the blind) - including on 9/11? Or Carter, Reagan, Clinton, etc.?
Can any of these wingnuts actually define "socialism", "communism", "facism", "Nazi", etc. beyond words they like to sling out for shock value? Similar to a three year old saying "fuckhead" to shock mom and dad and earning street cred with the toddler set....
However, it's not the Dark Side's latest outcries over a Presidential speech that disturbs me the most. What disturbs me is the fact that a group of knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, hypocritical right wing zealots can essentially blackmail schools into throwing out the fundamentals of education, free speech and intelligent discourse out over the least bit of controversy (even when the controversy sprung from the voices in their heads). The genie is out of the bottle - even if it is just a rusty beer can.....
Yes, thanks to the right wingnuts, the genie is out of the bottle and poised for all sorts of mischief. Those suburban BBQ's will soon be fueled by burning books instead of briquettes. Soon entire curriculums will be changed to satisfy the politics of denial and bigotry. It'll be so much easier to raise a generation molded by fear and propaganda if we didn't have all this silly academic bullshit! Let 'em learn wood shop and the bible - it was good enough for our forefathers and it's good enough for us!
Yes, the old "dynamite the fish pond" approach. Start spouting bible verses, excerpts from the constitution and whatever Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh said that day. Kill enough fish and the smell will overcome the strongest nose (or intellect). Hey, if Sarah Palin can use fish analogies, so can I. We're the culture of celebrity and 30 second sound bites. I especially like the bible thumpers that mix government w/religion. They forget about separation of state FROM church in addition to their own holy scriptures advocating genocide, slavery, human sacrifice, rape, etc. I especially like Timothy ii, 12, St Paul is quoted thus: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” Guess someone better muzzle Sarah......and Michelle Bachman too.
I think I just stumbled across the Conservanuts' reasons for their outcry over a simple Presidential speech - if you control education, no one will question your version of the "truth." Not the first time that circus came through town though......but they are betting that suppression of an educational system - or a country - that is free to examine any and all ideas will at least keep their freakish side show going on a little longer......
Monday, August 31, 2009
I Want My Own Religion and Talk Show.....and Vicodin
It's August 31 - and if I don't post something today the month of August will be a "lost" month. Makes sense as the writer has basically been fighting almost a never-ending headache, bouts of depression and stress - both real and imagined.
My mood is not too much better after running hot water all around my head/neck in a vain attempt for relief. Out of vidocin and frankly motrin, aleve and tylenol are about as effective as pissing on a forest fire. Frustrating and not very effective. But the nice man with the "MD" after his name that prescribes them thinks I can do with a lesser amount than usual. Me thinks we're gonna have to have a discussion about this - but that's for another day...besides it's difficult to debate with someone that is almost as much of a smart-ass as I am (Almost.....)
I forced myself to listen to Glenn Beck today - 15 minutes was about all I could take of his rants and paranoia. Then I read Sarah Palin's wall. Face it kids - if you looked long and hard enough (and have a vivid imagination) you can find a conspiracy behind every door. If I looked at one of my cats long enough, I can be certain they're thinking of a way to get rid of the human that doesn't open the doors at every their every demand as soon as they figure out a way to open tuna cans, secure unlimited amounts of cat food and self-cleaning litter boxes...and open the front door by themselves of course...
But it made me think - if you keep the public entertained by shock value, you can makes lots of money and have people think you are god - or at least one of his favorite messengers. Read Palin's Facebook wall - most of her lemming followers insinuate she is sent to them by god....or that god is at least on her side. Of course this leads me to wonder how one makes the judgement that "god" is on one side or the other.....does he throw you a rock with a note tied on it?
As I've had many years of indoctrination into the Catholic religion (although none of it took much to my family's chagrin) I can spout off biblical psycho-babble and scripture with the best of them. Be a shame to waste all that knowledge. Besides if you throw enough gold glitter, solemn mysterious chants and incense on anything, you can capture the hearts (and wallets) of many..... Catholics been doing it for almost 2000 years. Not a bad track record -- although I would be a bit squeamish if I had to go "Inquisition" on someone....I would only enjoy torture if it were applied to my ex-husband - a nice stretch on the rack could do that boy a world of good. I give you my word that there'll be no fooling around with the altar boys either (a man isn't any good until they are over 30....).
Me thinks this can be a good gig - hell, I'm infamous within my own circle of friends, acquaintances and enemies alternatively either making them laugh or pissing them off. I bet I can be great at 30 second sound bites. Hell, if I can convert you to thinking that you absolutely NEED A TASER - then how far behind is the salvation of your soul? Not to mention the peace you will find in abject poverty in this life....(yes, the abject poverty bit - after you gladly give your worldly possessions to the Church of the Demented Redhead)
Oh my deluded ones - only I can show you the way! I'll say anything you want me to say to make you love yourself and make you feel your ideas actually matter. Stroke the ego enough and even the most hardened soul will succumb to my mindless rants and rascally charm! I can take scripture out of context and twist it to my own vendetta as well as any hard-boiled greasy southern tele-evangelist....(and I will NEVER wear a cheap polyester suit as that offends the same god that gave us Gucci and Chanel).
Sigh - I could go on for hours now formulating my new religion. Need a media onslaught on TV as to reach the bored and sleepless masses at 2:00 a.m. - I'd be much more entertaining than a typical infommercial - even the one that promises to send you FREE HOLY HEALING WATER! Yes, kids -- there is really such rot out there on the airwaves. Wonder if those shysters would suffer a decline in donations if the United States implemented accessible and affordable health care for all its citizens (but that again is another rant for another day).
OK - can I finish and get off this thing now? I made a half-assed attempt to write and I wasted both my time and the time of the reader. Or have I? Can I use the same logic Palin used - y'know drone on about bears protecting cubs and dead fish going with the flow as I quit? Or is my quitting not really quitting but a brilliant personal political and career move? Stay tuned to find out......
My mood is not too much better after running hot water all around my head/neck in a vain attempt for relief. Out of vidocin and frankly motrin, aleve and tylenol are about as effective as pissing on a forest fire. Frustrating and not very effective. But the nice man with the "MD" after his name that prescribes them thinks I can do with a lesser amount than usual. Me thinks we're gonna have to have a discussion about this - but that's for another day...besides it's difficult to debate with someone that is almost as much of a smart-ass as I am (Almost.....)
I forced myself to listen to Glenn Beck today - 15 minutes was about all I could take of his rants and paranoia. Then I read Sarah Palin's wall. Face it kids - if you looked long and hard enough (and have a vivid imagination) you can find a conspiracy behind every door. If I looked at one of my cats long enough, I can be certain they're thinking of a way to get rid of the human that doesn't open the doors at every their every demand as soon as they figure out a way to open tuna cans, secure unlimited amounts of cat food and self-cleaning litter boxes...and open the front door by themselves of course...
But it made me think - if you keep the public entertained by shock value, you can makes lots of money and have people think you are god - or at least one of his favorite messengers. Read Palin's Facebook wall - most of her lemming followers insinuate she is sent to them by god....or that god is at least on her side. Of course this leads me to wonder how one makes the judgement that "god" is on one side or the other.....does he throw you a rock with a note tied on it?
As I've had many years of indoctrination into the Catholic religion (although none of it took much to my family's chagrin) I can spout off biblical psycho-babble and scripture with the best of them. Be a shame to waste all that knowledge. Besides if you throw enough gold glitter, solemn mysterious chants and incense on anything, you can capture the hearts (and wallets) of many..... Catholics been doing it for almost 2000 years. Not a bad track record -- although I would be a bit squeamish if I had to go "Inquisition" on someone....I would only enjoy torture if it were applied to my ex-husband - a nice stretch on the rack could do that boy a world of good. I give you my word that there'll be no fooling around with the altar boys either (a man isn't any good until they are over 30....).
Me thinks this can be a good gig - hell, I'm infamous within my own circle of friends, acquaintances and enemies alternatively either making them laugh or pissing them off. I bet I can be great at 30 second sound bites. Hell, if I can convert you to thinking that you absolutely NEED A TASER - then how far behind is the salvation of your soul? Not to mention the peace you will find in abject poverty in this life....(yes, the abject poverty bit - after you gladly give your worldly possessions to the Church of the Demented Redhead)
Oh my deluded ones - only I can show you the way! I'll say anything you want me to say to make you love yourself and make you feel your ideas actually matter. Stroke the ego enough and even the most hardened soul will succumb to my mindless rants and rascally charm! I can take scripture out of context and twist it to my own vendetta as well as any hard-boiled greasy southern tele-evangelist....(and I will NEVER wear a cheap polyester suit as that offends the same god that gave us Gucci and Chanel).
Sigh - I could go on for hours now formulating my new religion. Need a media onslaught on TV as to reach the bored and sleepless masses at 2:00 a.m. - I'd be much more entertaining than a typical infommercial - even the one that promises to send you FREE HOLY HEALING WATER! Yes, kids -- there is really such rot out there on the airwaves. Wonder if those shysters would suffer a decline in donations if the United States implemented accessible and affordable health care for all its citizens (but that again is another rant for another day).
OK - can I finish and get off this thing now? I made a half-assed attempt to write and I wasted both my time and the time of the reader. Or have I? Can I use the same logic Palin used - y'know drone on about bears protecting cubs and dead fish going with the flow as I quit? Or is my quitting not really quitting but a brilliant personal political and career move? Stay tuned to find out......
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
AADD, Twitter and Sarah Palin - What Was That Again?
I'm fully aware of my AADD. Pick up a shiny new toy and all the other ones are left in the dust. It can last from 10 seconds to 10 years. Writing is about the only way I can complete a thought. Try holding a conversation with me --- I do well to blurt out a train of thought and keep it on the same track it started on....
In my own small world, my friends (and even a few enemies) say I'm a good writer. Hell, they will say about anything to con me into doing their dirty work and write their business letters, brochures, resumes, school accreditation reports (brilliant works of total fiction) and even a few papers for a Masters in Business Administration that wasn't even for myself (but I "got" an A....). Even made a living for many years as an "administrative assistant" which meant I wrote it, signed it (forgery is a valuable skill seldom taught in business school) but got none of the credit.
But after reading a few of the millions upon millions of other blogs shouting out in the darkness, I've come to the conclusion that any talent I thought I had was due primarily to the fact that I hang out with a crowd that really hates to write a postcard, much less a thesis..... so naturally I showed my usual mature, reasonable reaction -- take my goddamn ball and go home. Thus the neglect of this Blog.....
The world of Twitter is meant for people like me - I can keep it together for 140 characters (although I think 160 would be ideal). Pop up an idea, bad joke or a link and my job is done. By that time I'm bored with it totally and spend the rest of the day reading everyone's tweets and following link after link after link - I can start with Palin - one of my all time favorite quasi-celebrities to skewer - and keep myself amused all day long. That woman is a goldmine of comedy for years to come and what makes it extra special is that she hasn't a clue (or a sense of humor - or even a sense of irony...)
True - many of us see Palin for what she really is - an aging second-rate beauty queen from an ugly strip mall pustule of a town that'll do anything for fame and fortune. What some of us may not realize is the fact that despite her lack of any real intellect, she is an expert on manipulating America's love of the classic "David and Goliath" tale.... Americans just love to root for the underdog!
"Us versus Them" - the ballsy little guy versus the big, evil, unfeeling _______ (government, religion, corporation - fill in the blank) is a basic underpinning of American popular culture. We absolutely love when the underdog socks it to "the man". It started with the American Revolution - America the Underdog versus Great Britain - those snobby oppressors of us - the "real" little people. It's been an integral part of our culture ever since. The "little guy" that comes out of nowhere and beats the real - or imaginary - giant. One of our favorite movie plots.
In fact we love this story so much that sometimes we root for the underdog even without considering the possibility of that dog having rabies.......Being the underdog doesn't necessarily mean being in the right. Sometimes an underdog is an Obama -- but sometimes it's just a bitch with fleas......
Speaking of bitches w/fleas - Exhibit A - Sarah Palin. Who relishes in telling us - again, again and again - how a pitbull w/lipstick, PTA hockey mom from Nothing Special, Alaska - rose thorough the ranks in a just a decade to become a US Vice-Presidential candidate (oh yeah, there's that Alaska Governor gig she did for a while too...). Sarah Barracuda. Stupid but ruthless. Wink, wink - I shop at Walmart just like y'all, go salmon fishin' in full makeup and you betcha that big government and media are out to get me!
Now she claims to have a higher calling to restore America to Conservative values (which haven't work too well so far). Those afraid of the future cling to the past - and you can twist that nicely to fit the classic "David and Goliath" plot - starring Sarah as the victimized underdog ready to fight against big government, godless liberals, evil abortionists or whatever is the flavor of evil of the week and by god - git 'er done! Against that big wicked world that many don't, can't - or choose to not - understand. Capitalize on some of our primal fears - the fear of the unknown, the fear of change. Lather, rinse, repeat...... soon you too can have your own cult following,,,,,
It's easy to call her a total nut case. She says it's only the dead fish that go with the flow - but her own salmon run didn't quite make it all way upstream. I skewer her on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. She keeps me amused enough to keep from spending what little disposable income I have at eBay on shoes.
There's no danger of Sarah ever being labeled an intellectual. But you don't need intellect or talent in these days of 24/7 celebrity blood lust. You just need to know how to work the crowd - to hone in on what you can manipulate and work it baby. Sarah is using our inclination to root for the underdog for her own shallow crusade of "Love me, I'm Sarah" campaign. It's not the position itself that she desires - it's the stage it offers for her show. The talk show/book/lecture/nat'l political circuit is much bigger stage than being governor of some frozen state of less than 700,000. All you have to do is look at a few tabloids to know that it doesn't take much in either brains or talent to rake in the money and adoration. Hell, all you need is a round of in-vitro fertilization gone horribly wrong.....But the difference between a welfare mom with 6 kids in Minnesota and one with 6 kids on a reality TV show is "star" power. Manipulation - by either calculation, talent or being able to whip a crowd into a frenzy.....Smoke, lights and mirrors -- or using our fears and emotions against us.
It has happened before in America - and it can happen again. Take a few minutes and google "Senator Joseph McCarthy" or "McCarthyism"...... any of this sound familiar? Are "Palinites" that far from "Palinism?"
Sarah, like McCarthy, knows how to play to the darker aspects of human nature and she's milking it for all that she's worth. She knows that by presenting herself as the underdog savior that'll take us back to the "good life" of God, country and Conservative "common sense" she'll attain her megalomanic goals. Besides - as a veteran of the beauty pageant circuit - she knows the power of a Pepsodent smile along with some tits and ass. She's hoping our memories are short and our fears of the unknown are long - in fact she's banking on it. It's worked before - and it'll work again unless we start taking her for much more than a Letterman punchline......
In my own small world, my friends (and even a few enemies) say I'm a good writer. Hell, they will say about anything to con me into doing their dirty work and write their business letters, brochures, resumes, school accreditation reports (brilliant works of total fiction) and even a few papers for a Masters in Business Administration that wasn't even for myself (but I "got" an A....). Even made a living for many years as an "administrative assistant" which meant I wrote it, signed it (forgery is a valuable skill seldom taught in business school) but got none of the credit.
But after reading a few of the millions upon millions of other blogs shouting out in the darkness, I've come to the conclusion that any talent I thought I had was due primarily to the fact that I hang out with a crowd that really hates to write a postcard, much less a thesis..... so naturally I showed my usual mature, reasonable reaction -- take my goddamn ball and go home. Thus the neglect of this Blog.....
The world of Twitter is meant for people like me - I can keep it together for 140 characters (although I think 160 would be ideal). Pop up an idea, bad joke or a link and my job is done. By that time I'm bored with it totally and spend the rest of the day reading everyone's tweets and following link after link after link - I can start with Palin - one of my all time favorite quasi-celebrities to skewer - and keep myself amused all day long. That woman is a goldmine of comedy for years to come and what makes it extra special is that she hasn't a clue (or a sense of humor - or even a sense of irony...)
True - many of us see Palin for what she really is - an aging second-rate beauty queen from an ugly strip mall pustule of a town that'll do anything for fame and fortune. What some of us may not realize is the fact that despite her lack of any real intellect, she is an expert on manipulating America's love of the classic "David and Goliath" tale.... Americans just love to root for the underdog!
"Us versus Them" - the ballsy little guy versus the big, evil, unfeeling _______ (government, religion, corporation - fill in the blank) is a basic underpinning of American popular culture. We absolutely love when the underdog socks it to "the man". It started with the American Revolution - America the Underdog versus Great Britain - those snobby oppressors of us - the "real" little people. It's been an integral part of our culture ever since. The "little guy" that comes out of nowhere and beats the real - or imaginary - giant. One of our favorite movie plots.
In fact we love this story so much that sometimes we root for the underdog even without considering the possibility of that dog having rabies.......Being the underdog doesn't necessarily mean being in the right. Sometimes an underdog is an Obama -- but sometimes it's just a bitch with fleas......
Speaking of bitches w/fleas - Exhibit A - Sarah Palin. Who relishes in telling us - again, again and again - how a pitbull w/lipstick, PTA hockey mom from Nothing Special, Alaska - rose thorough the ranks in a just a decade to become a US Vice-Presidential candidate (oh yeah, there's that Alaska Governor gig she did for a while too...). Sarah Barracuda. Stupid but ruthless. Wink, wink - I shop at Walmart just like y'all, go salmon fishin' in full makeup and you betcha that big government and media are out to get me!
Now she claims to have a higher calling to restore America to Conservative values (which haven't work too well so far). Those afraid of the future cling to the past - and you can twist that nicely to fit the classic "David and Goliath" plot - starring Sarah as the victimized underdog ready to fight against big government, godless liberals, evil abortionists or whatever is the flavor of evil of the week and by god - git 'er done! Against that big wicked world that many don't, can't - or choose to not - understand. Capitalize on some of our primal fears - the fear of the unknown, the fear of change. Lather, rinse, repeat...... soon you too can have your own cult following,,,,,
It's easy to call her a total nut case. She says it's only the dead fish that go with the flow - but her own salmon run didn't quite make it all way upstream. I skewer her on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. She keeps me amused enough to keep from spending what little disposable income I have at eBay on shoes.
There's no danger of Sarah ever being labeled an intellectual. But you don't need intellect or talent in these days of 24/7 celebrity blood lust. You just need to know how to work the crowd - to hone in on what you can manipulate and work it baby. Sarah is using our inclination to root for the underdog for her own shallow crusade of "Love me, I'm Sarah" campaign. It's not the position itself that she desires - it's the stage it offers for her show. The talk show/book/lecture/nat'l political circuit is much bigger stage than being governor of some frozen state of less than 700,000. All you have to do is look at a few tabloids to know that it doesn't take much in either brains or talent to rake in the money and adoration. Hell, all you need is a round of in-vitro fertilization gone horribly wrong.....But the difference between a welfare mom with 6 kids in Minnesota and one with 6 kids on a reality TV show is "star" power. Manipulation - by either calculation, talent or being able to whip a crowd into a frenzy.....Smoke, lights and mirrors -- or using our fears and emotions against us.
It has happened before in America - and it can happen again. Take a few minutes and google "Senator Joseph McCarthy" or "McCarthyism"...... any of this sound familiar? Are "Palinites" that far from "Palinism?"
Sarah, like McCarthy, knows how to play to the darker aspects of human nature and she's milking it for all that she's worth. She knows that by presenting herself as the underdog savior that'll take us back to the "good life" of God, country and Conservative "common sense" she'll attain her megalomanic goals. Besides - as a veteran of the beauty pageant circuit - she knows the power of a Pepsodent smile along with some tits and ass. She's hoping our memories are short and our fears of the unknown are long - in fact she's banking on it. It's worked before - and it'll work again unless we start taking her for much more than a Letterman punchline......
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Home Remodeling Hell
I have several half-finished posts collecting dust in the "draft/edit" stage - I guess my mind is so wrapped around either finishing (or avoiding) home remodeling hell that any day I can finish w/o a meltdown is a success. I've basically lost any vestige of a sense of humor or sense of reality. I've gone w/o a kitchen sink for 3 days - I'm NOT in the mood to be clever or amusing....
But right now I'll do about anything to avoid the odious task of ripping out 16 year old carpet......now I know why the installers wanted 35 cents a sq. foot to make it go away. I still don't know what possessed me to think that saving money for more important lifestyle essentials like shoes, clothes and building up my my Southpark DVD collection would be worth the grime, cat hair and mysterious matter you find underneath that nasty worn carpet.....
Do it yourself remodeling destroys your bank account, your back and any faith you ever had in any inherent goodness of mankind (yep, I dealt with the contractors.....) Now I know the reasons behind the vacant stares of the lost souls shuffling aimlessly up and down down the aisles of the big box hardware stores.......I recognize the smell of desperation filtering through stale dust and paint fumes. I know now that all those "happy" remodeling shows such as on TLC, DIY, etc. etc. are lies - all horrible, life-sucking lies. Sponsored by Satan who wants to sell paint, tile and plumbing parts that defy physics. Those happy home owners on TV are smiling because they have professionals doing all the dirty work for free. They never had to look for replacement parts for faucets that haven't been made since 1983......Did you know there are faucets selling for OVER $500!?!? I will not pay that much for any piece of metal unless it's measured in carats and I can wear the damn thing!
And once I climb out of this circle of hell, I'll be set to plunge into the next one - Real Estate Hell - a dangerous mix of shattered hopes and financial issues (sounds like most of the men I've dated). But at least I don't have to risk frizzy hair or broken fingernails.....
But right now I'll do about anything to avoid the odious task of ripping out 16 year old carpet......now I know why the installers wanted 35 cents a sq. foot to make it go away. I still don't know what possessed me to think that saving money for more important lifestyle essentials like shoes, clothes and building up my my Southpark DVD collection would be worth the grime, cat hair and mysterious matter you find underneath that nasty worn carpet.....
Do it yourself remodeling destroys your bank account, your back and any faith you ever had in any inherent goodness of mankind (yep, I dealt with the contractors.....) Now I know the reasons behind the vacant stares of the lost souls shuffling aimlessly up and down down the aisles of the big box hardware stores.......I recognize the smell of desperation filtering through stale dust and paint fumes. I know now that all those "happy" remodeling shows such as on TLC, DIY, etc. etc. are lies - all horrible, life-sucking lies. Sponsored by Satan who wants to sell paint, tile and plumbing parts that defy physics. Those happy home owners on TV are smiling because they have professionals doing all the dirty work for free. They never had to look for replacement parts for faucets that haven't been made since 1983......Did you know there are faucets selling for OVER $500!?!? I will not pay that much for any piece of metal unless it's measured in carats and I can wear the damn thing!
And once I climb out of this circle of hell, I'll be set to plunge into the next one - Real Estate Hell - a dangerous mix of shattered hopes and financial issues (sounds like most of the men I've dated). But at least I don't have to risk frizzy hair or broken fingernails.....
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A Little Rant on Domestic Violence - I Have the Tshirt....
I'm not one to back down from having an opinion about just anything - you may disagree with me but we are all somewhat protected by the First Amendment (you know - that little drivel about free speech in the Constitution that that most Republicans/conservatives ignore when it's against their own agendas (unless in the name of free publicity, i.e., Sarah Palin)
I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not an expert on most things. I don't have a college degree and I have the attention span of a gnat. I can find my way around a cell phone fairly well and I know just enough about computers to be dangerous. I can cook well enough to feed children and hungry men w/o too high of a risk of food borne illness or mutiny. I can run in heels and can fake it on most everyday life functions.
But there is one thing I do know what I'm talking about - both as a survivor and as a worker in the trenches - Domestic Violence (I'll call it DV for the purposes of this rant as I'm basically lazy). As with about everything else, my opinion about DV will offend some sensibilities and certainly be politically incorrect....... But it certainly can't be doing any worse than what we have out there now - which are legal "protections" that don't protect anyone - and a society that pays a whole lot of lip service to "empowerment" and "independence" and such - but still raises its women to believe that snagging a man (or a woman or whatever floats your boat) is the ultimate end all and be all....... so maybe you gotta put up with a little "nonsense" for "love".....(excuse me while I vomit here...)
We can go off on a whole other direction here - and we'll go there in another rant. Do you think all the Madison Avenue "sex sells" onslaught is just a little ploy for sales?? BULLSHIT! As in all other members of the animal kingdom, we are programmed to attract a mate. However, unlike most of the rest of the animal kingdom, we stay with mates that verbally, psychologically and physically abuse us. Something went terribly wrong - but that's another subject for another day.
OK kids - before we go any further. I am NOT talking about when you or they threw a coffee cup or a blow in anger. We're all guilty. We're human. We strike before thinking (there are governments and entertainment empires banking on just this aspect of human behavior). When I talk about DV I'm talking about the relentless and systematic destruction of someone in a relationship by the words and actions of the other. Domestic Violence is what we call it - but it really isn't just violence. Violence is just one of the tools an abuser uses. It's easy and quick. But DV is just basically establishing a destructive power over another human to make up for one's own insecurities and deficiencies. Basic rule of thumb is that being hit once is a mistake. Twice is stupid. Three times and it's time to pack your bags.....
Let's attack the top fallacy of current policies/theories/etc. that sociologists, psychologists, etc. etc. maintain about DV - which is that using violence against your "perpetrator" ("perpetrator" is the "politically correct" term -but I'll use "abuser" in this rant as a "catch all" abbreviation for "the knuckle-dragging asinine sub-human asshole that claims to love you but still beats the shit out of you") - is never the "correct" thing to do. You send him ("him" means him, her or it) to anger management classes. You get him therapy. You/him go to counseling. Leave him and file the necessary legal papers for the police and the courts to protect you/yours.
But while you are trying to decide what to do, you can "hide" at a shelter. While you are there they will sit there with their hands tied telling you "it's your decision" on whether to go back to your Neanderthal club reject. Almost every single one of those recently-degreed DV counselors will swear up and down that they cannot interfere ......... that's what their textbooks and professors all taught them. Their hearts may be in the right place but there's no room here for such notions......I listened to these people. I worked with these people. But we're not talking about a wee bit of neurosis here, we're talking about life and death. Maybe even your own......
To all of this psycho-babble, I say BULLSHIT! In fact I'll say it again - BULLSHIT!!!! When you are the on the receiving end of months and years of abuse, you are in no shape to make your own decisions! How can someone with a shattered self-esteem and most likely no family/friends or economic independence ever hope to get out of this personal hell? You need someone to drag you out to the light - not hours of psychological dribble. Dribble didn't help me a bit - but my best friend in the world did. She screamed at me and shook me more times than I can ever remember - but she saved my life. She was tough and she wasn't above using shock value - or re-introducing me to the power of cosmetics and high heels (amazing what some mascara and 4" heels can do for giving a girl the strength to kick some piece of human debris to the curb.....which again proves my theory that retail therapy works far better than "regular" therapy - but that's yet another rant). Don't scream "sexist" either. I grew up with women's movement and did my time believing that no makeup and letting my tits sag made me a better person. Again - BULLSHIT!
But enough of that. The point is that I watched myself and countless others make the trips to the shelter, courts and counseling - and we are still living in fear (or suffer from permanent physical/psychological scars). These aren't isolated cases in some other lifetime kids - these are your neighbors, co-workers, family members, friends.........
Despite all the "progress" we've made over the past 20-30 years in getting DV "out of the closet" there is still the stigma. Apparently we still have a very long ways to go in preventing it too. Working in a salon (female gossip central) I have heard many teenage/20-something year old women talk about their "men" (men is a loose term here - as I see most abusers as less than human) telling them what "to do" or displaying "jealousy" over the most mundane circumstances - and I just fucking cringe and shudder. It won't be long before those verbal assaults develop into something way, way worse. But what would a tattooed, middle-aged social malcontent with multi-color hair know? No one could've told me anything at that age either.....
But geez - you can get a divorce, right? You can get protective orders - he takes one step inside that imaginary 100 yard barrier and the police will be on him like flies on shit - and he'll rot away the rest of his days in prison, right? Tell you what -- why don't we throw in the tooth fairy, free $1000 Walmart gift cards on the net, Santa Claus and that the government is always to be trusted while we are debunking a few myths here girls.....
Now I'm all on the side of law enforcement doing what they can with DV situations (esp. since a DV situation is one of the most dangerous calls they respond to). But show me one restraining order that can stop someone from hurting you faster than any law enforcement can get to you. Go ahead - I've got time. My foot is in a walking cast and I'm just playing on the computer here........
Do you think he'll magically see the "error" of his violent tendencies after cooling his heels in a few days/weeks/months in jail? Not likely - and chances are your life is gonna be in far worse peril once he gets out. He's had a lot of time to think about how to get "even" with you (even if it was the courts and not you pressing the charges) once he gets out. They aren't brightest light bulb in the pack but they are experts on exactly which buttons of yours to push (and whether you can take a straight kick to the gut or not.....) They can also do the magic "personality transformation" long enough to get them out of trouble.
Do not underestimate the enemy. That's right - anyone that abuses you is your enemy. They are NOT YOUR FRIEND ! They can proclaim their love and apologize until the end of days - but notice they will eventually preface it with "but you made me do it......" If I had a dollar for every time I heard that sorry ass excuse , I'd be sitting in some penthouse in Las Vegas asking Chris Noth to rub my feet (high heels can hurt y'know)...... hmmmm, and trying to decide whether to wear that little Versace or Gucci number tonight.....and they better have my Blackjack table in the high roller section reserved for me and my friends! Oh yeah, a little more to the right sweetie.....damn it, what is THIS swill? I ordered Dom Perignon Oenotheque champagne!.....(oh wait, I can't share THAT fantasy.....)
I've head time and time again (and have experienced time and time again) that the beating just gets worse if "I fight back". Unfortunately that fact is true..... and most abusers are bigger and stronger than who they abuse. It's no fun trying to knock the teeth out of someone who has 50 lbs and 6 inches on you. So are you supposed to just give up and take it? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
The few times I managed to get a good lick in, he backed off (and I made a run for it while he was dazed.....). In that millisecond, there is a subconscious stab of respect from your abuser. They don't understand love, respect, the law or even basic good behavior (most can't even keep a job) but they understand violence. There's no civilities in a fist fight. Welcome to jungle baby - this is kill or be killed time.
So what is the point of all this babble? I can't fix what gets otherwise intelligent women/men into these traps. I can't fix the justice system. I can't fix the damage done to me or millions of others....
But if there is such a thing about paying it forward, I'm going to give it a shot. I can fix one thing - share what I've learned personally to someone, anyone, about saving their own ass. It's all very simple - give it back to them as good as they give. Juvenile? Animalistic? Immature? Uncivilized? Unchristian? Try advocating restraint and counseling with a loaded gun pointing in your direction. How about when laid out in the ER with several broken bones and pissing blood? How about spending several years with one eye on the rear view mirror at all times - or jumping whenever you heard a noise at 2 am? How about living with permanent injuries that could shorten your life w/o ongoing care from long-ago beatings from some dim-wit monster? Still want to try the restraining order and some court-mandated counseling?
Granted - in my particular case my ex is a few thousand miles away and probably too dumb to read a map. But I keep my phone number unlisted for a reason. I had a friend who loved me enough to shake some sense in me, loan me some lipstick and GET INVOLVED! A lot of what we learned in school doesn't quite hold up in real life - and the current "treatments" for both victims/abusers is a bright red shiny example.
I don't advocate using a gun or knife unless you know what you are doing (and have a good attorney). Guns and knives can be easily be turned back against you with fatal results (but I gotta admit - "Gunpowder and Lead" is one of my favorite songs ever). Chemical weapons (mace, pepper spray, etc) - aside being not fun if the wind is against you - aren't always effective if the attacker is drunk, high or just immune (and I'm one of the genetically blessed that are immune to mace).......but there is a handy little device that'll put the biggest man on his knees begging for mercy (if he can speak at all) - TASER!
Hell yes! Taze his sorry ass! Very little chance of fatality on either end (and before someone pulls out the few cases that a taser resulted in death, you can choke on jello too if you tried hard enough). If used correctly, a taser can take the wind out of any abuser long enough for the pros to get there - or you to get the hell out of harm's way. He might even think twice before pulling that stunt again. Remember - this is not a person into social niceties when it comes to beating your ass.......why allow them the same courtesy?
OK, I can hear the cries of outrage.........how DARE YOU ADVOCATE VIOLENCE!?!? Of all people, I should know better, right? (and as legal aside - don't try this at home kids).....But as Kris Kristofferson wrote "(s)he's a walking contradiction, partly fact and partly fiction....." My politics are ultra-liberal and yet I believe the best gun control is a steady hand on the trigger. I gave up idealism a long, long time ago. My eyes may roll on the concept of war between nations (why is killing for a hypothetical body/idea "noble" but not knocking out someone who is personally injuring you and your immediate circle)? Maybe it's time the professors, psychologists, counselors and the court systems realize that the best help a person caught in an endless cycle of DV is to give them some tough love, a serious make-over and a taser along with those protective orders.....
I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not an expert on most things. I don't have a college degree and I have the attention span of a gnat. I can find my way around a cell phone fairly well and I know just enough about computers to be dangerous. I can cook well enough to feed children and hungry men w/o too high of a risk of food borne illness or mutiny. I can run in heels and can fake it on most everyday life functions.
But there is one thing I do know what I'm talking about - both as a survivor and as a worker in the trenches - Domestic Violence (I'll call it DV for the purposes of this rant as I'm basically lazy). As with about everything else, my opinion about DV will offend some sensibilities and certainly be politically incorrect....... But it certainly can't be doing any worse than what we have out there now - which are legal "protections" that don't protect anyone - and a society that pays a whole lot of lip service to "empowerment" and "independence" and such - but still raises its women to believe that snagging a man (or a woman or whatever floats your boat) is the ultimate end all and be all....... so maybe you gotta put up with a little "nonsense" for "love".....(excuse me while I vomit here...)
We can go off on a whole other direction here - and we'll go there in another rant. Do you think all the Madison Avenue "sex sells" onslaught is just a little ploy for sales?? BULLSHIT! As in all other members of the animal kingdom, we are programmed to attract a mate. However, unlike most of the rest of the animal kingdom, we stay with mates that verbally, psychologically and physically abuse us. Something went terribly wrong - but that's another subject for another day.
OK kids - before we go any further. I am NOT talking about when you or they threw a coffee cup or a blow in anger. We're all guilty. We're human. We strike before thinking (there are governments and entertainment empires banking on just this aspect of human behavior). When I talk about DV I'm talking about the relentless and systematic destruction of someone in a relationship by the words and actions of the other. Domestic Violence is what we call it - but it really isn't just violence. Violence is just one of the tools an abuser uses. It's easy and quick. But DV is just basically establishing a destructive power over another human to make up for one's own insecurities and deficiencies. Basic rule of thumb is that being hit once is a mistake. Twice is stupid. Three times and it's time to pack your bags.....
Let's attack the top fallacy of current policies/theories/etc. that sociologists, psychologists, etc. etc. maintain about DV - which is that using violence against your "perpetrator" ("perpetrator" is the "politically correct" term -but I'll use "abuser" in this rant as a "catch all" abbreviation for "the knuckle-dragging asinine sub-human asshole that claims to love you but still beats the shit out of you") - is never the "correct" thing to do. You send him ("him" means him, her or it) to anger management classes. You get him therapy. You/him go to counseling. Leave him and file the necessary legal papers for the police and the courts to protect you/yours.
But while you are trying to decide what to do, you can "hide" at a shelter. While you are there they will sit there with their hands tied telling you "it's your decision" on whether to go back to your Neanderthal club reject. Almost every single one of those recently-degreed DV counselors will swear up and down that they cannot interfere ......... that's what their textbooks and professors all taught them. Their hearts may be in the right place but there's no room here for such notions......I listened to these people. I worked with these people. But we're not talking about a wee bit of neurosis here, we're talking about life and death. Maybe even your own......
To all of this psycho-babble, I say BULLSHIT! In fact I'll say it again - BULLSHIT!!!! When you are the on the receiving end of months and years of abuse, you are in no shape to make your own decisions! How can someone with a shattered self-esteem and most likely no family/friends or economic independence ever hope to get out of this personal hell? You need someone to drag you out to the light - not hours of psychological dribble. Dribble didn't help me a bit - but my best friend in the world did. She screamed at me and shook me more times than I can ever remember - but she saved my life. She was tough and she wasn't above using shock value - or re-introducing me to the power of cosmetics and high heels (amazing what some mascara and 4" heels can do for giving a girl the strength to kick some piece of human debris to the curb.....which again proves my theory that retail therapy works far better than "regular" therapy - but that's yet another rant). Don't scream "sexist" either. I grew up with women's movement and did my time believing that no makeup and letting my tits sag made me a better person. Again - BULLSHIT!
But enough of that. The point is that I watched myself and countless others make the trips to the shelter, courts and counseling - and we are still living in fear (or suffer from permanent physical/psychological scars). These aren't isolated cases in some other lifetime kids - these are your neighbors, co-workers, family members, friends.........
Despite all the "progress" we've made over the past 20-30 years in getting DV "out of the closet" there is still the stigma. Apparently we still have a very long ways to go in preventing it too. Working in a salon (female gossip central) I have heard many teenage/20-something year old women talk about their "men" (men is a loose term here - as I see most abusers as less than human) telling them what "to do" or displaying "jealousy" over the most mundane circumstances - and I just fucking cringe and shudder. It won't be long before those verbal assaults develop into something way, way worse. But what would a tattooed, middle-aged social malcontent with multi-color hair know? No one could've told me anything at that age either.....
But geez - you can get a divorce, right? You can get protective orders - he takes one step inside that imaginary 100 yard barrier and the police will be on him like flies on shit - and he'll rot away the rest of his days in prison, right? Tell you what -- why don't we throw in the tooth fairy, free $1000 Walmart gift cards on the net, Santa Claus and that the government is always to be trusted while we are debunking a few myths here girls.....
Now I'm all on the side of law enforcement doing what they can with DV situations (esp. since a DV situation is one of the most dangerous calls they respond to). But show me one restraining order that can stop someone from hurting you faster than any law enforcement can get to you. Go ahead - I've got time. My foot is in a walking cast and I'm just playing on the computer here........
Do you think he'll magically see the "error" of his violent tendencies after cooling his heels in a few days/weeks/months in jail? Not likely - and chances are your life is gonna be in far worse peril once he gets out. He's had a lot of time to think about how to get "even" with you (even if it was the courts and not you pressing the charges) once he gets out. They aren't brightest light bulb in the pack but they are experts on exactly which buttons of yours to push (and whether you can take a straight kick to the gut or not.....) They can also do the magic "personality transformation" long enough to get them out of trouble.
Do not underestimate the enemy. That's right - anyone that abuses you is your enemy. They are NOT YOUR FRIEND ! They can proclaim their love and apologize until the end of days - but notice they will eventually preface it with "but you made me do it......" If I had a dollar for every time I heard that sorry ass excuse , I'd be sitting in some penthouse in Las Vegas asking Chris Noth to rub my feet (high heels can hurt y'know)...... hmmmm, and trying to decide whether to wear that little Versace or Gucci number tonight.....and they better have my Blackjack table in the high roller section reserved for me and my friends! Oh yeah, a little more to the right sweetie.....damn it, what is THIS swill? I ordered Dom Perignon Oenotheque champagne!.....(oh wait, I can't share THAT fantasy.....)
I've head time and time again (and have experienced time and time again) that the beating just gets worse if "I fight back". Unfortunately that fact is true..... and most abusers are bigger and stronger than who they abuse. It's no fun trying to knock the teeth out of someone who has 50 lbs and 6 inches on you. So are you supposed to just give up and take it? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
The few times I managed to get a good lick in, he backed off (and I made a run for it while he was dazed.....). In that millisecond, there is a subconscious stab of respect from your abuser. They don't understand love, respect, the law or even basic good behavior (most can't even keep a job) but they understand violence. There's no civilities in a fist fight. Welcome to jungle baby - this is kill or be killed time.
So what is the point of all this babble? I can't fix what gets otherwise intelligent women/men into these traps. I can't fix the justice system. I can't fix the damage done to me or millions of others....
But if there is such a thing about paying it forward, I'm going to give it a shot. I can fix one thing - share what I've learned personally to someone, anyone, about saving their own ass. It's all very simple - give it back to them as good as they give. Juvenile? Animalistic? Immature? Uncivilized? Unchristian? Try advocating restraint and counseling with a loaded gun pointing in your direction. How about when laid out in the ER with several broken bones and pissing blood? How about spending several years with one eye on the rear view mirror at all times - or jumping whenever you heard a noise at 2 am? How about living with permanent injuries that could shorten your life w/o ongoing care from long-ago beatings from some dim-wit monster? Still want to try the restraining order and some court-mandated counseling?
Granted - in my particular case my ex is a few thousand miles away and probably too dumb to read a map. But I keep my phone number unlisted for a reason. I had a friend who loved me enough to shake some sense in me, loan me some lipstick and GET INVOLVED! A lot of what we learned in school doesn't quite hold up in real life - and the current "treatments" for both victims/abusers is a bright red shiny example.
I don't advocate using a gun or knife unless you know what you are doing (and have a good attorney). Guns and knives can be easily be turned back against you with fatal results (but I gotta admit - "Gunpowder and Lead" is one of my favorite songs ever). Chemical weapons (mace, pepper spray, etc) - aside being not fun if the wind is against you - aren't always effective if the attacker is drunk, high or just immune (and I'm one of the genetically blessed that are immune to mace).......but there is a handy little device that'll put the biggest man on his knees begging for mercy (if he can speak at all) - TASER!
Hell yes! Taze his sorry ass! Very little chance of fatality on either end (and before someone pulls out the few cases that a taser resulted in death, you can choke on jello too if you tried hard enough). If used correctly, a taser can take the wind out of any abuser long enough for the pros to get there - or you to get the hell out of harm's way. He might even think twice before pulling that stunt again. Remember - this is not a person into social niceties when it comes to beating your ass.......why allow them the same courtesy?
OK, I can hear the cries of outrage.........how DARE YOU ADVOCATE VIOLENCE!?!? Of all people, I should know better, right? (and as legal aside - don't try this at home kids).....But as Kris Kristofferson wrote "(s)he's a walking contradiction, partly fact and partly fiction....." My politics are ultra-liberal and yet I believe the best gun control is a steady hand on the trigger. I gave up idealism a long, long time ago. My eyes may roll on the concept of war between nations (why is killing for a hypothetical body/idea "noble" but not knocking out someone who is personally injuring you and your immediate circle)? Maybe it's time the professors, psychologists, counselors and the court systems realize that the best help a person caught in an endless cycle of DV is to give them some tough love, a serious make-over and a taser along with those protective orders.....
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Celebrity Bitch Death Match!!!
yes, i've been neglecting my blog. the usual combination of procrastination and self-esteem issues which makes it rather difficult to feel that anything i have to say is either worthwhile or at least nicely written. but apparently writing skills don't keep others from staking out their claims out in cyberland. twitter is much easier though - i can fill up 140 characters with something that's either clever or revolting.......several paragraphs is a whole different game.
but admittedly i did come up with an idea the other day whose time has come - CELEBRITY BITCH DEATH MATCH! i know, another reality show and the eyes are already rolling and you are about to click over to some porn - but gimme just 5 minutes........there'll be no jungle and no ambulances - only hearses and at least a pause in the overall dumbing down of western culture.......intrigued?
i envision something akin to the roman coliseums of old - you know - in the days of gladiators, christians, lions and such. there was no sudden death overtime - just death. no returning to the show, no screeching vocals or "pity me" background stories designed to nudge the hardest of souls (in my case i gag and change the channel....) into "voting" them in for something or other.
i'm seeing a perfect solution for reality tv overkill (nice pun there).....and a perfect money making opportunity for the progressive and greedy souls that can see past the silly legalities as murder charges, etc. besides there'll be enough money that we can get the best justice money can buy.....
ok - first we get a large venue. preferably one of the roman ruins coliseums in italy for that added touch of authenticity. but any large venue with a large flat area for the event will do - madison square garden, LA memorial coliseum, the state of kansas.....
yeah, pay-per-view. several of them - there are enough fame whores for quite a few episodes. the list is never-ending and growing by the day. hmmmm, bitches with overused uterus's like kate gosselin and octomom (we can also use kate for verbal castration before the death match - but that's another event for another day). bitches that insult our intelligence and sound like fingernails on chalkboard - heidi pratt, denise richards, heather mills, tori spelling, mady gosselin (a temper tantrum throwing little bitch in training), janice dickinson, omarosa, naomi campbell, kim kardashian, paris hilton, lindsay lohan, madonna, - well, you get my drift - and let's not forget the men. yes, men can be the bitchiest of all. hmmm - spencer pratt of course, sanjaya, tom cruise, kanye, oj, kevin federline.......the list again can go on and on and on and on.........
but on with the games..........ave, imperator; moritiuri te salutant (those who are about to die salute you). all celebrities will indulge in massive alcohol consumption prior to the matches - we can throw in a bit of cocaine for some sure-fire attitude and paranoia. only weapons allowed will be sharp fingernails, high heels, cell phones and swinging purses/manbags (of course knock-offs will be used - i'm not going to risk ruining a prada bag on some snot-nosed, trust-fund hollywood brat)....contestants of course will be encouraged to screech and pull hair as much as possible. ausfuhrung fur uns (a little german for that decadent dark berlin vibe).....as far as the actual matches - well we can do it one on one, teams or just have a group clusterfuck....those details can be ironed out later on in the show development.
this is the sport america has been waiting for! combine the best of tabloid gossip, violence and ultimately ridding ourselves of some of our culture's most irritating celebrities. and think of all the marketing opportunities! personally i'd be proud to wear a t-shirt with paris hilton's face - mascara running, teeth missing and nose at an unnatural angle...
now i can hear all that is kind and politically correct calling out for my demise. how dare she advocate violence and say those horrible things???? that girl just ain't right......how could she do this to our favorite people to hate???
and what is my response??? BULLSHIT! you know deep inside you love to see the "mighty" fall ungraciously and in front of millions. one word will prove it - politics. as far as violence - well, there are times that there are no other alternatives but violence. these people refuse to go away. most of them have IQ's lower than most species of moss. there are times that violence is the only option (and come on - you know you wanna see it!). it'll be better than porn! porn can only utilize so many basic moves - violence has so much more variety...
of course there's many details to work out before my idea can bear fruit but it's just a little something to think about kids.......
but admittedly i did come up with an idea the other day whose time has come - CELEBRITY BITCH DEATH MATCH! i know, another reality show and the eyes are already rolling and you are about to click over to some porn - but gimme just 5 minutes........there'll be no jungle and no ambulances - only hearses and at least a pause in the overall dumbing down of western culture.......intrigued?
i envision something akin to the roman coliseums of old - you know - in the days of gladiators, christians, lions and such. there was no sudden death overtime - just death. no returning to the show, no screeching vocals or "pity me" background stories designed to nudge the hardest of souls (in my case i gag and change the channel....) into "voting" them in for something or other.
i'm seeing a perfect solution for reality tv overkill (nice pun there).....and a perfect money making opportunity for the progressive and greedy souls that can see past the silly legalities as murder charges, etc. besides there'll be enough money that we can get the best justice money can buy.....
ok - first we get a large venue. preferably one of the roman ruins coliseums in italy for that added touch of authenticity. but any large venue with a large flat area for the event will do - madison square garden, LA memorial coliseum, the state of kansas.....
yeah, pay-per-view. several of them - there are enough fame whores for quite a few episodes. the list is never-ending and growing by the day. hmmmm, bitches with overused uterus's like kate gosselin and octomom (we can also use kate for verbal castration before the death match - but that's another event for another day). bitches that insult our intelligence and sound like fingernails on chalkboard - heidi pratt, denise richards, heather mills, tori spelling, mady gosselin (a temper tantrum throwing little bitch in training), janice dickinson, omarosa, naomi campbell, kim kardashian, paris hilton, lindsay lohan, madonna, - well, you get my drift - and let's not forget the men. yes, men can be the bitchiest of all. hmmm - spencer pratt of course, sanjaya, tom cruise, kanye, oj, kevin federline.......the list again can go on and on and on and on.........
but on with the games..........ave, imperator; moritiuri te salutant (those who are about to die salute you). all celebrities will indulge in massive alcohol consumption prior to the matches - we can throw in a bit of cocaine for some sure-fire attitude and paranoia. only weapons allowed will be sharp fingernails, high heels, cell phones and swinging purses/manbags (of course knock-offs will be used - i'm not going to risk ruining a prada bag on some snot-nosed, trust-fund hollywood brat)....contestants of course will be encouraged to screech and pull hair as much as possible. ausfuhrung fur uns (a little german for that decadent dark berlin vibe).....as far as the actual matches - well we can do it one on one, teams or just have a group clusterfuck....those details can be ironed out later on in the show development.
this is the sport america has been waiting for! combine the best of tabloid gossip, violence and ultimately ridding ourselves of some of our culture's most irritating celebrities. and think of all the marketing opportunities! personally i'd be proud to wear a t-shirt with paris hilton's face - mascara running, teeth missing and nose at an unnatural angle...
now i can hear all that is kind and politically correct calling out for my demise. how dare she advocate violence and say those horrible things???? that girl just ain't right......how could she do this to our favorite people to hate???
and what is my response??? BULLSHIT! you know deep inside you love to see the "mighty" fall ungraciously and in front of millions. one word will prove it - politics. as far as violence - well, there are times that there are no other alternatives but violence. these people refuse to go away. most of them have IQ's lower than most species of moss. there are times that violence is the only option (and come on - you know you wanna see it!). it'll be better than porn! porn can only utilize so many basic moves - violence has so much more variety...
of course there's many details to work out before my idea can bear fruit but it's just a little something to think about kids.......
the hamster won......
she started out with so much promise but then just crashed and burned........basically the story of my life and this blog. the fire burns bright but it burns out fast. but as always i know my true purpose on this planet - to serve as a warning to others. hell, i'm the damn poster child for unrealized potential and self-destructive behavior....
old demons, new demons. things that keep you up at night. thoughts that race through a sleep-addled brain at 2 am that never seem to come to fruitition when facing the computer at 8 pm. just another lost traveler screaming out in cyberspace. despite almost religious devotion to taking my antidepressants, there are times and circumstances that cracks the wall between emotions and self. no matter the medication or the distraction. there are times i just can't be the consumate smart-ass. my self-defacing humor and wry observations of this planet sometimes don't quite do the job.
i've kept quite a few doctors, therapists, pharmaceutical companies, etc. in business over the years. the only thing i've gotten out of all of it is an enormous distrust for anyone that is paid to listen to listen to me. i came to the conclusion that retail therapy is about as good as anything else and considering the "paid listeners" get $100+ an hour, it can be a hell of a lot cheaper - and more rewarding. i never had the warm fuzzy glow leaving the therapist's office that i get from italian leather....
over the years i've accepted the fact that i'm wired a little differently. brain chemistry? maybe. childhood issues with abandonment? possibly. is comic relief my armor? most definitely. i used to believe that at some point in one's future the road smooths out. is that laughter i'm hearing? ok, ok, so i was a slow learner. if you can keep up with yourself as well as hamster running the wheel you are doing better than most..... but in my case i think the wheel siezed up and the hamster escaped a long time ago......
old demons, new demons. things that keep you up at night. thoughts that race through a sleep-addled brain at 2 am that never seem to come to fruitition when facing the computer at 8 pm. just another lost traveler screaming out in cyberspace. despite almost religious devotion to taking my antidepressants, there are times and circumstances that cracks the wall between emotions and self. no matter the medication or the distraction. there are times i just can't be the consumate smart-ass. my self-defacing humor and wry observations of this planet sometimes don't quite do the job.
i've kept quite a few doctors, therapists, pharmaceutical companies, etc. in business over the years. the only thing i've gotten out of all of it is an enormous distrust for anyone that is paid to listen to listen to me. i came to the conclusion that retail therapy is about as good as anything else and considering the "paid listeners" get $100+ an hour, it can be a hell of a lot cheaper - and more rewarding. i never had the warm fuzzy glow leaving the therapist's office that i get from italian leather....
over the years i've accepted the fact that i'm wired a little differently. brain chemistry? maybe. childhood issues with abandonment? possibly. is comic relief my armor? most definitely. i used to believe that at some point in one's future the road smooths out. is that laughter i'm hearing? ok, ok, so i was a slow learner. if you can keep up with yourself as well as hamster running the wheel you are doing better than most..... but in my case i think the wheel siezed up and the hamster escaped a long time ago......
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
where has this man been all my life?
stumbled across this as i was mindlessly clicking links on twitter - http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/ where has this man been all my life?????? this guy is GREAT!
but on the other hand he makes my shallow and self-serving online chatter seem even more insignificant. i didn't finish college, any looks i have are based on pure artificiality and i'm stuck in a 4-stoplight town in alaska. nope - not much of a chance of undiscovered genius here. the only hope i have is to occasionally make people feel like they are in a smoky room with a 2 drink minimum........... and we're talking open mike night on a slow tuesday.....
i more than recognize my limitations. my only hope is to come up with the occasional zinger that'll either (a) result in a bemused smile/chuckle or (b) total shock and damnation of my soul. either response is fine with me. actually i do prefer option (b) - the 4 year old inside of me still likes to make the grownups stammer and turn funny colors. only now i use satire rather than poo-poo jokes.
anyway, enough of wallowing in my inadequacies (although even pity works for me on a slow day). i'll never realize genius (destroyed way too many brain cells in the 70's, 80's, 90's, etc. etc.) but even a total moron can come up with something funny once in a while. at least i'll pin my hopes on my total moron theory.....
but on the other hand he makes my shallow and self-serving online chatter seem even more insignificant. i didn't finish college, any looks i have are based on pure artificiality and i'm stuck in a 4-stoplight town in alaska. nope - not much of a chance of undiscovered genius here. the only hope i have is to occasionally make people feel like they are in a smoky room with a 2 drink minimum........... and we're talking open mike night on a slow tuesday.....
i more than recognize my limitations. my only hope is to come up with the occasional zinger that'll either (a) result in a bemused smile/chuckle or (b) total shock and damnation of my soul. either response is fine with me. actually i do prefer option (b) - the 4 year old inside of me still likes to make the grownups stammer and turn funny colors. only now i use satire rather than poo-poo jokes.
anyway, enough of wallowing in my inadequacies (although even pity works for me on a slow day). i'll never realize genius (destroyed way too many brain cells in the 70's, 80's, 90's, etc. etc.) but even a total moron can come up with something funny once in a while. at least i'll pin my hopes on my total moron theory.....
Sunday, May 31, 2009
planning a canadian roadtrip.....
despite doing 3000 miles in 3.5 days last october (much thru the wilds of canada) i'm more than ready for another roadtrip.........now we all know the perfect roadtrips start spontaneously with little more than a vehicle, credit card and possibly being under the influence (no i don't advocate driving drunk/stoned or stupid - that's when you let yer friends drive so you can even get more wasted......). but admittedly a roadtrip to a hostile foreign country does require a bit of planning...........(passports, matching stories and attitude). oh, do you think canada is a peaceful nation? try spending an hour or so at canadian customs - but that's another story - avoid the sumas/abbotsford crossing......
however, there has been discussion as of late of the vital need for a large and personal stash of two (and possibly the only two) of canada's positive attributes - bueno candy bars and beaver buzz energy drinks. can't get either one in the states. they are forbidden fruit, made ever so much sweeter by the exotic (and dangerous) location. over the border. yes, THAT border......into the land of poutine, red green, damnable customs officials and "eh"..... although i really do want to see their faces when - in that little room with that lone naked light bulb hanging down over me - i tell them in all honesty i'm headin' into canada for the beaver buzz and bueno bars.......
we can make it from northern california to the border in less than 12 hours. that includes stops for gas and whatever. don't think we can??? if we didn't get (a) lost in portland (b) distracted by a great cosmetics sale in mt. vernon washington and (c) stuck in road construction hell just south of the sumas crossing we would've made it easy in 12 hours last time. that dark red streak blazing up I-5 that dark october night was US! only time i slowed down to something close to the legal speed limit was in southern oregon because - as a former resident of medford, oregon - i know how much oregon state police LOVE to pull over vehicles with california plates. no, i don't respect authority that much but i dislike a ticket and a hassle even more.....
anyway that's the plan. 48 hours in canada (as to be able to bring back $800 worth of candy and beaver buzz back duty free). then haul ass back across the border. of course it'll be on this blog........... and this time we'll be ready for canada. there will be mandatory stops at http://voodoodoughnut.com/ and http://www.bigfootjava.com/ in mt. vernon WA. canada? hopefully we can just blend in somewhere around vancouver as we fill up the back of the yukon with forbidden fruit...........natch we will find the places that canadian tourism does NOT want you to know about......
hopefully in a few months i'll have completed this mission (obviously after moving back down to california where all my craziest friends are) and can share the whole sordid tale (names will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty)..........later
however, there has been discussion as of late of the vital need for a large and personal stash of two (and possibly the only two) of canada's positive attributes - bueno candy bars and beaver buzz energy drinks. can't get either one in the states. they are forbidden fruit, made ever so much sweeter by the exotic (and dangerous) location. over the border. yes, THAT border......into the land of poutine, red green, damnable customs officials and "eh"..... although i really do want to see their faces when - in that little room with that lone naked light bulb hanging down over me - i tell them in all honesty i'm headin' into canada for the beaver buzz and bueno bars.......
we can make it from northern california to the border in less than 12 hours. that includes stops for gas and whatever. don't think we can??? if we didn't get (a) lost in portland (b) distracted by a great cosmetics sale in mt. vernon washington and (c) stuck in road construction hell just south of the sumas crossing we would've made it easy in 12 hours last time. that dark red streak blazing up I-5 that dark october night was US! only time i slowed down to something close to the legal speed limit was in southern oregon because - as a former resident of medford, oregon - i know how much oregon state police LOVE to pull over vehicles with california plates. no, i don't respect authority that much but i dislike a ticket and a hassle even more.....
anyway that's the plan. 48 hours in canada (as to be able to bring back $800 worth of candy and beaver buzz back duty free). then haul ass back across the border. of course it'll be on this blog........... and this time we'll be ready for canada. there will be mandatory stops at http://voodoodoughnut.com/ and http://www.bigfootjava.com/ in mt. vernon WA. canada? hopefully we can just blend in somewhere around vancouver as we fill up the back of the yukon with forbidden fruit...........natch we will find the places that canadian tourism does NOT want you to know about......
hopefully in a few months i'll have completed this mission (obviously after moving back down to california where all my craziest friends are) and can share the whole sordid tale (names will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty)..........later
personality disorder??
welcome to the sunday afternoon of my discontent.......sunday afternoons are depressing. no more weekend to look forward to - just monday and another week of "nothing much too special if i'm lucky" or another week of "what the fuck is going to go wrong NOW???" option two is usually what happens by wednesday pm.....as i am awaiting calls and visits from both lowes and spenard builder's supply by mid-week, i'm sure this week - like most others - will be one of those "what the fuck......" weeks.
i'm also waiting for the results of a whole battery of tests done on me friday to be in my fabulous but somewhat distracted md's hands by monday. i'm not looking forward to learning the results. either way i'm screwed. if they are bad, then at least there's a reason for feeling lousy. if they are good, then it's even worse.......then there's no reason for feeling like a truck hit me.....
it was interesting to sneak a look at my records on my doc's computer though (he should be thankful i wasn't feeling too creative or i would've done something fun to his screensaver). let's go down the list ......"stage 3 chronic renal failure" - check. "vascular hypertension (see stage 3 chronic renal failure) - check. "depression" - check. but PERSONALITY DISORDER!?!? since when has this been a diagnosis and/or problem? true - i have the attention span of a gnat, a generally pessimistic outlook towards life, i question most authority and always drive over the speed limit..... but since when is this a personality disorder? i thought it was part of my charm....
now the nice folks at the american psychiatric association define a personality discorder as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". uh - and this is supposed to be a bad thing???
i just took a peak at the news from my "culture" today and did a few searches on twitter, yahoo, etc. etc. it seems that my culture is obsessed about jon and kate, susan boyle, the hills, octo-mom's new reality series and dozens of ways to increase penis size....... and some half-baked pro-life moron murdered an abortion doctor. in church nonetheless for that special touch of irony.
not that i don't indulge in reading cheap tabloids or trying to keep somewhat aware of the news (how else will i know what to complain about?) but why are all these people taking all of this sooooooooooo seriously??? if i had to live with a shrew like kate, i'd be spending a lot of time in bars myself. i'm still trying to figure out the public's obsession with women that produce litters......is there really that much of a market for clever uterus tricks?
i'm also waiting for the results of a whole battery of tests done on me friday to be in my fabulous but somewhat distracted md's hands by monday. i'm not looking forward to learning the results. either way i'm screwed. if they are bad, then at least there's a reason for feeling lousy. if they are good, then it's even worse.......then there's no reason for feeling like a truck hit me.....
it was interesting to sneak a look at my records on my doc's computer though (he should be thankful i wasn't feeling too creative or i would've done something fun to his screensaver). let's go down the list ......"stage 3 chronic renal failure" - check. "vascular hypertension (see stage 3 chronic renal failure) - check. "depression" - check. but PERSONALITY DISORDER!?!? since when has this been a diagnosis and/or problem? true - i have the attention span of a gnat, a generally pessimistic outlook towards life, i question most authority and always drive over the speed limit..... but since when is this a personality disorder? i thought it was part of my charm....
now the nice folks at the american psychiatric association define a personality discorder as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". uh - and this is supposed to be a bad thing???
i just took a peak at the news from my "culture" today and did a few searches on twitter, yahoo, etc. etc. it seems that my culture is obsessed about jon and kate, susan boyle, the hills, octo-mom's new reality series and dozens of ways to increase penis size....... and some half-baked pro-life moron murdered an abortion doctor. in church nonetheless for that special touch of irony.
not that i don't indulge in reading cheap tabloids or trying to keep somewhat aware of the news (how else will i know what to complain about?) but why are all these people taking all of this sooooooooooo seriously??? if i had to live with a shrew like kate, i'd be spending a lot of time in bars myself. i'm still trying to figure out the public's obsession with women that produce litters......is there really that much of a market for clever uterus tricks?
as far as the pro-life moron - angry? yes. surprised? oh hell no! my only surprise is how quickly the right-to-life folks are disassociating themselves from the deed. if the tide of public opinion was actually in favor of such a cowardly act, they'd be beating their chests and proclaiming it was them all along........yes indeed - i gave him the gun AND a ride to church! but as it's not, they doing the non-violence spin faster than i would run to a 75% off clearance rack at macys.....
groucho marx had it right - "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members"....... we are the malcontents that relish in pointing out the emperor has no clothes (or that "caribou barbi" is a great nickname for sarah palin - but that's another rant). do you really want to go over the cliff with the rest of the lemmings? if questioning the status quo is a personality disorder, then my doc got it right - and the man knows me well enough to i would consider a "personality disorder" a compliment of the highest regard!
groucho marx had it right - "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members"....... we are the malcontents that relish in pointing out the emperor has no clothes (or that "caribou barbi" is a great nickname for sarah palin - but that's another rant). do you really want to go over the cliff with the rest of the lemmings? if questioning the status quo is a personality disorder, then my doc got it right - and the man knows me well enough to i would consider a "personality disorder" a compliment of the highest regard!
shit - i should've changed his screensaver while he was out of the room......damn!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
blogging and losing your virginity.......
my first blog....... and it has pretty much turned out like losing my virginity. lots of great expectations and romantic notions reduced to lots of awkward fumbling around.......
i had all sorts of clever, humorous, sardonic, insightful, etc. observations just welling up inside me. like the perfect comebacks you think of 10 hours after the fact......
but instead i am staring at something with absolutely no idea where to start, how to do it or even how to fake it (pretty much like losing your virginity except there's no wet spot to avoid).
but at least the first time is over and done with............whew!
i had all sorts of clever, humorous, sardonic, insightful, etc. observations just welling up inside me. like the perfect comebacks you think of 10 hours after the fact......
but instead i am staring at something with absolutely no idea where to start, how to do it or even how to fake it (pretty much like losing your virginity except there's no wet spot to avoid).
but at least the first time is over and done with............whew!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
