Shoes, S/M Fantasies and Chocolate

That title alone should cause any head of any proud card-carrying female to whip around faster than Linda Blair's in the "Exorcist." True to type, I also have no qualms to go for the easy, cheap shot to build up any kind of readership. I'd announce I had nude pictures of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Bruce Springsteen if I had more finesse with Photoshop.....

As far as the chocolate? The few who aren't hooked on shoes are hooked on chocolate. Easy as that. Shoes and chocolate are as yet an undiscovered component of estrogen. If some genius came up with chocolate shoes, they'd have a bank account that would make Bill Gate's look like he made his living as a Walmart greeter ...."Welcome to Walmart - I came up w/Vista." (I would advise Bill to wear a bullet proof vest and a mouth guard....)

But back to shoes. Thin, fat or curvy. Blond, brunette, redhead or multi-colored. Old, young or of a "certain age." Democrat, Republican or just mildly amused. Any and all beliefs, races and creeds. Put two disparate women together - who would normally be clawing each other eyes out - and give them each a pair of new, beautiful Italian couture shoes. Keep the door closed and give it about 5-10 minutes. Open the door slowly - and witness the first step to world peace and harmony. All hatred and body image issues have evaporated. All you hear are "oooohs and coos" as they admire their own and each other's footwear nirvana. The euphoria of soft, supple Italian leather is as powerful a pleasure potion as the strongest opiates - w/o the legal hassles.

But why? Although shoe sizes are not much more standardized than clothing sizes, most women past 30 can rest assured that those $800 pair of shoes will fit them nicely in their 50's and beyond - despite time, gravity, weight changes, etc. A $2000 pair of Loubutins or Jimmy Choo boots are not just adornment - they are a rock solid investment in your future! Face it girls - the odds are that those Manolos will last longer than your relationships, careers and hair colors. With a little care and occasional visits to the shoe doctor, they will faithfully cradle your feet and make you look good through all trials or tribulations. Those shoes are gonna be there for you on the darkest nights when you question your faith and reasons for your existence......

Yes - in your darkest hour you can dream of the sound of 5" stiletto heels coldly clicking down endless icy marble halls.....tall spires of sexual power stirring both lust and fear in the hearts of others. Twirl around on those marvels of engineering - and catch sight of the flaccid, white bellies of Glenn Beck, Rush, Cheney, Oral Roberts......and so many other angry little trolls. Prostrate on the marble - trembling in fear and anticipation - unable to meet your eyes, knowing the fate of bad little boys with big mouths and tiny brains.

Jimmy Choo, YSL, Chanel, Manolo, Louboutin, Cavalli, Dolce and Gabbana, Gianmarco Lorenezi - boot towers of power....endless black buttery leather punctuated with studs, buckles, straps and lacing. Tributes to Bettie Paige. S and M. The toe deftly lifting their shirt hems (or white sheets) of the damned. Their breathing quickens. Balancing on ice picks - as a true Mistress of Gravity -easily avoiding the abdominal skin folds that teem with lifeforms that can only survive in the dark and damp (even in a fantasy, there are limits....can't ruin the shoes!)

Despite certain knowledge of pain and humiliation (along with being the lead story on the 6 o'clock news), the mens' reptilian brains takes over - far more than they have in any public forum. As the heel jabs the mountain of flesh, ripples flow outwards from the epicenter. Oh mother of god, they start praising Obama! As the heel digs in deeper, bruising and tearing mounds of doughy nothingness, they scream out for health care reform! A few more twists of the heel and they are calling their Aryan Princess Sarah Palin the Whore of Babylon! Yet, between the whimpers and cries for an end to racism, they want more. Soon the time will come for their verbal castrations - and living out the rest of their lives as eunuchs in servitude to their new goddess of leather and liberalism!

Whew! Even I'm wiping the steam off my glasses with that one! Throw in some Godiva chocolate or Bueno Bars and it'd be practically orgasmic! Never underestimate the power of a quality, powerful, sexy shoe!

P.S. Leave a comment and I may later share my eBay secrets to stalking and capturing the designer shoe for pennies on the dollar.... (begging and bribery are not beneath me....)