A Little Rant on Domestic Violence - I Have the Tshirt....

I'm not one to back down from having an opinion about just anything - you may disagree with me but we are all somewhat protected by the First Amendment (you know - that little drivel about free speech in the Constitution that that most Republicans/conservatives ignore when it's against their own agendas (unless in the name of free publicity, i.e., Sarah Palin)

I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not an expert on most things. I don't have a college degree and I have the attention span of a gnat. I can find my way around a cell phone fairly well and I know just enough about computers to be dangerous. I can cook well enough to feed children and hungry men w/o too high of a risk of food borne illness or mutiny. I can run in heels and can fake it on most everyday life functions.

But there is one thing I do know what I'm talking about - both as a survivor and as a worker in the trenches - Domestic Violence (I'll call it DV for the purposes of this rant as I'm basically lazy). As with about everything else, my opinion about DV will offend some sensibilities and certainly be politically incorrect....... But it certainly can't be doing any worse than what we have out there now - which are legal "protections" that don't protect anyone - and a society that pays a whole lot of lip service to "empowerment" and "independence" and such - but still raises its women to believe that snagging a man (or a woman or whatever floats your boat) is the ultimate end all and be all....... so maybe you gotta put up with a little "nonsense" for "love".....(excuse me while I vomit here...)

We can go off on a whole other direction here - and we'll go there in another rant. Do you think all the Madison Avenue "sex sells" onslaught is just a little ploy for sales?? BULLSHIT! As in all other members of the animal kingdom, we are programmed to attract a mate. However, unlike most of the rest of the animal kingdom, we stay with mates that verbally, psychologically and physically abuse us. Something went terribly wrong - but that's another subject for another day.

OK kids - before we go any further. I am NOT talking about when you or they threw a coffee cup or a blow in anger. We're all guilty. We're human. We strike before thinking (there are governments and entertainment empires banking on just this aspect of human behavior). When I talk about DV I'm talking about the relentless and systematic destruction of someone in a relationship by the words and actions of the other. Domestic Violence is what we call it - but it really isn't just violence. Violence is just one of the tools an abuser uses. It's easy and quick. But DV is just basically establishing a destructive power over another human to make up for one's own insecurities and deficiencies. Basic rule of thumb is that being hit once is a mistake. Twice is stupid. Three times and it's time to pack your bags.....

Let's attack the top fallacy of current policies/theories/etc. that sociologists, psychologists, etc. etc. maintain about DV - which is that using violence against your "perpetrator" ("perpetrator" is the "politically correct" term -but I'll use "abuser" in this rant as a "catch all" abbreviation for "the knuckle-dragging asinine sub-human asshole that claims to love you but still beats the shit out of you") - is never the "correct" thing to do. You send him ("him" means him, her or it) to anger management classes. You get him therapy. You/him go to counseling. Leave him and file the necessary legal papers for the police and the courts to protect you/yours.

But while you are trying to decide what to do, you can "hide" at a shelter. While you are there they will sit there with their hands tied telling you "it's your decision" on whether to go back to your Neanderthal club reject. Almost every single one of those recently-degreed DV counselors will swear up and down that they cannot interfere ......... that's what their textbooks and professors all taught them. Their hearts may be in the right place but there's no room here for such notions......I listened to these people. I worked with these people. But we're not talking about a wee bit of neurosis here, we're talking about life and death. Maybe even your own......

To all of this psycho-babble, I say BULLSHIT! In fact I'll say it again - BULLSHIT!!!! When you are the on the receiving end of months and years of abuse, you are in no shape to make your own decisions! How can someone with a shattered self-esteem and most likely no family/friends or economic independence ever hope to get out of this personal hell? You need someone to drag you out to the light - not hours of psychological dribble. Dribble didn't help me a bit - but my best friend in the world did. She screamed at me and shook me more times than I can ever remember - but she saved my life. She was tough and she wasn't above using shock value - or re-introducing me to the power of cosmetics and high heels (amazing what some mascara and 4" heels can do for giving a girl the strength to kick some piece of human debris to the curb.....which again proves my theory that retail therapy works far better than "regular" therapy - but that's yet another rant). Don't scream "sexist" either. I grew up with women's movement and did my time believing that no makeup and letting my tits sag made me a better person. Again - BULLSHIT!

But enough of that. The point is that I watched myself and countless others make the trips to the shelter, courts and counseling - and we are still living in fear (or suffer from permanent physical/psychological scars). These aren't isolated cases in some other lifetime kids - these are your neighbors, co-workers, family members, friends.........

Despite all the "progress" we've made over the past 20-30 years in getting DV "out of the closet" there is still the stigma. Apparently we still have a very long ways to go in preventing it too. Working in a salon (female gossip central) I have heard many teenage/20-something year old women talk about their "men" (men is a loose term here - as I see most abusers as less than human) telling them what "to do" or displaying "jealousy" over the most mundane circumstances - and I just fucking cringe and shudder. It won't be long before those verbal assaults develop into something way, way worse. But what would a tattooed, middle-aged social malcontent with multi-color hair know? No one could've told me anything at that age either.....

But geez - you can get a divorce, right? You can get protective orders - he takes one step inside that imaginary 100 yard barrier and the police will be on him like flies on shit - and he'll rot away the rest of his days in prison, right? Tell you what -- why don't we throw in the tooth fairy, free $1000 Walmart gift cards on the net, Santa Claus and that the government is always to be trusted while we are debunking a few myths here girls.....

Now I'm all on the side of law enforcement doing what they can with DV situations (esp. since a DV situation is one of the most dangerous calls they respond to). But show me one restraining order that can stop someone from hurting you faster than any law enforcement can get to you. Go ahead - I've got time. My foot is in a walking cast and I'm just playing on the computer here........

Do you think he'll magically see the "error" of his violent tendencies after cooling his heels in a few days/weeks/months in jail? Not likely - and chances are your life is gonna be in far worse peril once he gets out. He's had a lot of time to think about how to get "even" with you (even if it was the courts and not you pressing the charges) once he gets out. They aren't brightest light bulb in the pack but they are experts on exactly which buttons of yours to push (and whether you can take a straight kick to the gut or not.....) They can also do the magic "personality transformation" long enough to get them out of trouble.

Do not underestimate the enemy. That's right - anyone that abuses you is your enemy. They are NOT YOUR FRIEND ! They can proclaim their love and apologize until the end of days - but notice they will eventually preface it with "but you made me do it......" If I had a dollar for every time I heard that sorry ass excuse , I'd be sitting in some penthouse in Las Vegas asking Chris Noth to rub my feet (high heels can hurt y'know)...... hmmmm, and trying to decide whether to wear that little Versace or Gucci number tonight.....and they better have my Blackjack table in the high roller section reserved for me and my friends! Oh yeah, a little more to the right sweetie.....damn it, what is THIS swill? I ordered Dom Perignon Oenotheque champagne!.....(oh wait, I can't share THAT fantasy.....)

I've head time and time again (and have experienced time and time again) that the beating just gets worse if "I fight back". Unfortunately that fact is true..... and most abusers are bigger and stronger than who they abuse. It's no fun trying to knock the teeth out of someone who has 50 lbs and 6 inches on you. So are you supposed to just give up and take it? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The few times I managed to get a good lick in, he backed off (and I made a run for it while he was dazed.....). In that millisecond, there is a subconscious stab of respect from your abuser. They don't understand love, respect, the law or even basic good behavior (most can't even keep a job) but they understand violence. There's no civilities in a fist fight. Welcome to jungle baby - this is kill or be killed time.

So what is the point of all this babble? I can't fix what gets otherwise intelligent women/men into these traps. I can't fix the justice system. I can't fix the damage done to me or millions of others....

But if there is such a thing about paying it forward, I'm going to give it a shot. I can fix one thing - share what I've learned personally to someone, anyone, about saving their own ass. It's all very simple - give it back to them as good as they give. Juvenile? Animalistic? Immature? Uncivilized? Unchristian? Try advocating restraint and counseling with a loaded gun pointing in your direction. How about when laid out in the ER with several broken bones and pissing blood? How about spending several years with one eye on the rear view mirror at all times - or jumping whenever you heard a noise at 2 am? How about living with permanent injuries that could shorten your life w/o ongoing care from long-ago beatings from some dim-wit monster? Still want to try the restraining order and some court-mandated counseling?

Granted - in my particular case my ex is a few thousand miles away and probably too dumb to read a map. But I keep my phone number unlisted for a reason. I had a friend who loved me enough to shake some sense in me, loan me some lipstick and GET INVOLVED! A lot of what we learned in school doesn't quite hold up in real life - and the current "treatments" for both victims/abusers is a bright red shiny example.

I don't advocate using a gun or knife unless you know what you are doing (and have a good attorney). Guns and knives can be easily be turned back against you with fatal results (but I gotta admit - "Gunpowder and Lead" is one of my favorite songs ever). Chemical weapons (mace, pepper spray, etc) - aside being not fun if the wind is against you - aren't always effective if the attacker is drunk, high or just immune (and I'm one of the genetically blessed that are immune to mace).......but there is a handy little device that'll put the biggest man on his knees begging for mercy (if he can speak at all) - TASER!

Hell yes! Taze his sorry ass! Very little chance of fatality on either end (and before someone pulls out the few cases that a taser resulted in death, you can choke on jello too if you tried hard enough). If used correctly, a taser can take the wind out of any abuser long enough for the pros to get there - or you to get the hell out of harm's way. He might even think twice before pulling that stunt again. Remember - this is not a person into social niceties when it comes to beating your ass.......why allow them the same courtesy?

OK, I can hear the cries of outrage.........how DARE YOU ADVOCATE VIOLENCE!?!? Of all people, I should know better, right? (and as legal aside - don't try this at home kids).....But as Kris Kristofferson wrote "(s)he's a walking contradiction, partly fact and partly fiction....." My politics are ultra-liberal and yet I believe the best gun control is a steady hand on the trigger. I gave up idealism a long, long time ago. My eyes may roll on the concept of war between nations (why is killing for a hypothetical body/idea "noble" but not knocking out someone who is personally injuring you and your immediate circle)? Maybe it's time the professors, psychologists, counselors and the court systems realize that the best help a person caught in an endless cycle of DV is to give them some tough love, a serious make-over and a taser along with those protective orders.....

Celebrity Bitch Death Match!!!

yes, i've been neglecting my blog. the usual combination of procrastination and self-esteem issues which makes it rather difficult to feel that anything i have to say is either worthwhile or at least nicely written. but apparently writing skills don't keep others from staking out their claims out in cyberland. twitter is much easier though - i can fill up 140 characters with something that's either clever or revolting.......several paragraphs is a whole different game.

but admittedly i did come up with an idea the other day whose time has come - CELEBRITY BITCH DEATH MATCH! i know, another reality show and the eyes are already rolling and you are about to click over to some porn - but gimme just 5 minutes........there'll be no jungle and no ambulances - only hearses and at least a pause in the overall dumbing down of western culture.......intrigued?

i envision something akin to the roman coliseums of old - you know - in the days of gladiators, christians, lions and such. there was no sudden death overtime - just death. no returning to the show, no screeching vocals or "pity me" background stories designed to nudge the hardest of souls (in my case i gag and change the channel....) into "voting" them in for something or other.

i'm seeing a perfect solution for reality tv overkill (nice pun there).....and a perfect money making opportunity for the progressive and greedy souls that can see past the silly legalities as murder charges, etc. besides there'll be enough money that we can get the best justice money can buy.....

ok - first we get a large venue. preferably one of the roman ruins coliseums in italy for that added touch of authenticity. but any large venue with a large flat area for the event will do - madison square garden, LA memorial coliseum, the state of kansas.....

yeah, pay-per-view. several of them - there are enough fame whores for quite a few episodes. the list is never-ending and growing by the day. hmmmm, bitches with overused uterus's like kate gosselin and octomom (we can also use kate for verbal castration before the death match - but that's another event for another day). bitches that insult our intelligence and sound like fingernails on chalkboard - heidi pratt, denise richards, heather mills, tori spelling, mady gosselin (a temper tantrum throwing little bitch in training), janice dickinson, omarosa, naomi campbell, kim kardashian, paris hilton, lindsay lohan, madonna, - well, you get my drift - and let's not forget the men. yes, men can be the bitchiest of all. hmmm - spencer pratt of course, sanjaya, tom cruise, kanye, oj, kevin federline.......the list again can go on and on and on and on.........

but on with the games..........ave, imperator; moritiuri te salutant (those who are about to die salute you). all celebrities will indulge in massive alcohol consumption prior to the matches - we can throw in a bit of cocaine for some sure-fire attitude and paranoia. only weapons allowed will be sharp fingernails, high heels, cell phones and swinging purses/manbags (of course knock-offs will be used - i'm not going to risk ruining a prada bag on some snot-nosed, trust-fund hollywood brat)....contestants of course will be encouraged to screech and pull hair as much as possible. ausfuhrung fur uns (a little german for that decadent dark berlin vibe).....as far as the actual matches - well we can do it one on one, teams or just have a group clusterfuck....those details can be ironed out later on in the show development.

this is the sport america has been waiting for! combine the best of tabloid gossip, violence and ultimately ridding ourselves of some of our culture's most irritating celebrities. and think of all the marketing opportunities! personally i'd be proud to wear a t-shirt with paris hilton's face - mascara running, teeth missing and nose at an unnatural angle...

now i can hear all that is kind and politically correct calling out for my demise. how dare she advocate violence and say those horrible things???? that girl just ain't right......how could she do this to our favorite people to hate???

and what is my response??? BULLSHIT! you know deep inside you love to see the "mighty" fall ungraciously and in front of millions. one word will prove it - politics. as far as violence - well, there are times that there are no other alternatives but violence. these people refuse to go away. most of them have IQ's lower than most species of moss. there are times that violence is the only option (and come on - you know you wanna see it!). it'll be better than porn! porn can only utilize so many basic moves - violence has so much more variety...

of course there's many details to work out before my idea can bear fruit but it's just a little something to think about kids.......

the hamster won......

she started out with so much promise but then just crashed and burned........basically the story of my life and this blog. the fire burns bright but it burns out fast. but as always i know my true purpose on this planet - to serve as a warning to others. hell, i'm the damn poster child for unrealized potential and self-destructive behavior....

old demons, new demons. things that keep you up at night. thoughts that race through a sleep-addled brain at 2 am that never seem to come to fruitition when facing the computer at 8 pm. just another lost traveler screaming out in cyberspace. despite almost religious devotion to taking my antidepressants, there are times and circumstances that cracks the wall between emotions and self. no matter the medication or the distraction. there are times i just can't be the consumate smart-ass. my self-defacing humor and wry observations of this planet sometimes don't quite do the job.

i've kept quite a few doctors, therapists, pharmaceutical companies, etc. in business over the years. the only thing i've gotten out of all of it is an enormous distrust for anyone that is paid to listen to listen to me. i came to the conclusion that retail therapy is about as good as anything else and considering the "paid listeners" get $100+ an hour, it can be a hell of a lot cheaper - and more rewarding. i never had the warm fuzzy glow leaving the therapist's office that i get from italian leather....

over the years i've accepted the fact that i'm wired a little differently. brain chemistry? maybe. childhood issues with abandonment? possibly. is comic relief my armor? most definitely. i used to believe that at some point in one's future the road smooths out. is that laughter i'm hearing? ok, ok, so i was a slow learner. if you can keep up with yourself as well as hamster running the wheel you are doing better than most..... but in my case i think the wheel siezed up and the hamster escaped a long time ago......

where has this man been all my life?

stumbled across this as i was mindlessly clicking links on twitter - http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/ where has this man been all my life?????? this guy is GREAT!

but on the other hand he makes my shallow and self-serving online chatter seem even more insignificant. i didn't finish college, any looks i have are based on pure artificiality and i'm stuck in a 4-stoplight town in alaska. nope - not much of a chance of undiscovered genius here. the only hope i have is to occasionally make people feel like they are in a smoky room with a 2 drink minimum........... and we're talking open mike night on a slow tuesday.....

i more than recognize my limitations. my only hope is to come up with the occasional zinger that'll either (a) result in a bemused smile/chuckle or (b) total shock and damnation of my soul. either response is fine with me. actually i do prefer option (b) - the 4 year old inside of me still likes to make the grownups stammer and turn funny colors. only now i use satire rather than poo-poo jokes.

anyway, enough of wallowing in my inadequacies (although even pity works for me on a slow day). i'll never realize genius (destroyed way too many brain cells in the 70's, 80's, 90's, etc. etc.) but even a total moron can come up with something funny once in a while. at least i'll pin my hopes on my total moron theory.....

planning a canadian roadtrip.....

despite doing 3000 miles in 3.5 days last october (much thru the wilds of canada) i'm more than ready for another roadtrip.........now we all know the perfect roadtrips start spontaneously with little more than a vehicle, credit card and possibly being under the influence (no i don't advocate driving drunk/stoned or stupid - that's when you let yer friends drive so you can even get more wasted......). but admittedly a roadtrip to a hostile foreign country does require a bit of planning...........(passports, matching stories and attitude). oh, do you think canada is a peaceful nation? try spending an hour or so at canadian customs - but that's another story - avoid the sumas/abbotsford crossing......

however, there has been discussion as of late of the vital need for a large and personal stash of two (and possibly the only two) of canada's positive attributes - bueno candy bars and beaver buzz energy drinks. can't get either one in the states. they are forbidden fruit, made ever so much sweeter by the exotic (and dangerous) location. over the border. yes, THAT border......into the land of poutine, red green, damnable customs officials and "eh"..... although i really do want to see their faces when - in that little room with that lone naked light bulb hanging down over me - i tell them in all honesty i'm headin' into canada for the beaver buzz and bueno bars.......

we can make it from northern california to the border in less than 12 hours. that includes stops for gas and whatever. don't think we can??? if we didn't get (a) lost in portland (b) distracted by a great cosmetics sale in mt. vernon washington and (c) stuck in road construction hell just south of the sumas crossing we would've made it easy in 12 hours last time. that dark red streak blazing up I-5 that dark october night was US! only time i slowed down to something close to the legal speed limit was in southern oregon because - as a former resident of medford, oregon - i know how much oregon state police LOVE to pull over vehicles with california plates. no, i don't respect authority that much but i dislike a ticket and a hassle even more.....

anyway that's the plan. 48 hours in canada (as to be able to bring back $800 worth of candy and beaver buzz back duty free). then haul ass back across the border. of course it'll be on this blog........... and this time we'll be ready for canada. there will be mandatory stops at http://voodoodoughnut.com/ and http://www.bigfootjava.com/ in mt. vernon WA. canada? hopefully we can just blend in somewhere around vancouver as we fill up the back of the yukon with forbidden fruit...........natch we will find the places that canadian tourism does NOT want you to know about......

hopefully in a few months i'll have completed this mission (obviously after moving back down to california where all my craziest friends are) and can share the whole sordid tale (names will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty)..........later

personality disorder??

welcome to the sunday afternoon of my discontent.......sunday afternoons are depressing. no more weekend to look forward to - just monday and another week of "nothing much too special if i'm lucky" or another week of "what the fuck is going to go wrong NOW???" option two is usually what happens by wednesday pm.....as i am awaiting calls and visits from both lowes and spenard builder's supply by mid-week, i'm sure this week - like most others - will be one of those "what the fuck......" weeks.

i'm also waiting for the results of a whole battery of tests done on me friday to be in my fabulous but somewhat distracted md's hands by monday. i'm not looking forward to learning the results. either way i'm screwed. if they are bad, then at least there's a reason for feeling lousy. if they are good, then it's even worse.......then there's no reason for feeling like a truck hit me.....

it was interesting to sneak a look at my records on my doc's computer though (he should be thankful i wasn't feeling too creative or i would've done something fun to his screensaver). let's go down the list ......"stage 3 chronic renal failure" - check. "vascular hypertension (see stage 3 chronic renal failure) - check. "depression" - check. but PERSONALITY DISORDER!?!? since when has this been a diagnosis and/or problem? true - i have the attention span of a gnat, a generally pessimistic outlook towards life, i question most authority and always drive over the speed limit..... but since when is this a personality disorder? i thought it was part of my charm....

now the nice folks at the american psychiatric association define a personality discorder as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". uh - and this is supposed to be a bad thing???

i just took a peak at the news from my "culture" today and did a few searches on twitter, yahoo, etc. etc. it seems that my culture is obsessed about jon and kate, susan boyle, the hills, octo-mom's new reality series and dozens of ways to increase penis size....... and some half-baked pro-life moron murdered an abortion doctor. in church nonetheless for that special touch of irony.

not that i don't indulge in reading cheap tabloids or trying to keep somewhat aware of the news (how else will i know what to complain about?) but why are all these people taking all of this sooooooooooo seriously??? if i had to live with a shrew like kate, i'd be spending a lot of time in bars myself. i'm still trying to figure out the public's obsession with women that produce litters......is there really that much of a market for clever uterus tricks?

as far as the pro-life moron - angry? yes. surprised? oh hell no! my only surprise is how quickly the right-to-life folks are disassociating themselves from the deed. if the tide of public opinion was actually in favor of such a cowardly act, they'd be beating their chests and proclaiming it was them all along........yes indeed - i gave him the gun AND a ride to church! but as it's not, they doing the non-violence spin faster than i would run to a 75% off clearance rack at macys.....

groucho marx had it right - "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members"....... we are the malcontents that relish in pointing out the emperor has no clothes (or that "caribou barbi" is a great nickname for sarah palin - but that's another rant). do you really want to go over the cliff with the rest of the lemmings? if questioning the status quo is a personality disorder, then my doc got it right - and the man knows me well enough to i would consider a "personality disorder" a compliment of the highest regard!

shit - i should've changed his screensaver while he was out of the room......damn!

i can't find the damn first post i wrote.............tell me again why i wanted to do this? i must've been under the influence of something..........